


Walking On The Grass: The Roadtrip AU

by Thorinsmut



Series: The Roadtrip AU [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bus, Complete, Drinking, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gender Changes, Hallucinogens, Happy Ending, M/M, Modern AU, Mostly Crack, Multimedia Fic, Nonbinary Character, Nori is a Little Shit, Racism, Series of Vignettes, Trans Character, Violence, assorted illegal activities, court summons, dork bbs with crushes, everybody's human, lol what is canon, mentions of Police Violence, no cohesive plot, ptsd mention, roadtrip au, showering, various misadventures, vegan food
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-04-20 06:24:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4776914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thorinsmut/pseuds/Thorinsmut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin Oakenshield piles the Company into an old bus and leads them on a cross-country trip. They must make the court date to get their sacred ancestral lands, the Lonely Mountain, back from Smaug who plans to strip it for its plentiful natural resources and leave it desolate.</p><p>Nothing from that point on goes to plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Summons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (please don't spend time trying to translate the body of the letter, it's nonsense from a Lorem Ipsum generator)

[ ](http://thorinsmut.tumblr.com/private/128858747293/tumblr_nuixlnAqeG1s1tcpu)

[[Image: An open letter on a wooden table. The letter is headed "By Order of the High Council - TA 2941. Regarding Ereborians vs Smaug on claim of land rights over The Lonely Mountain. **Court Summons**." The letter is in quenya followed by a judge's illegible signature. On top of the letter are two sticky notes. The first says " _Bring the proof discussed. Victory is nearly assured! - Gandalf_ ". The second says " _Do not forget Bilbo Baggins_!"]]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome, friends, to my latest fic!  
> Please enjoy (and I promise future chapters will be words and not just images!)  
> -TS


	2. The Kidnapping of Mr. Baggins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what it says on the tin

"No, no. Absolutely not!" Bilbo protested desperately. "You are _not_ setting up barbecue grills in my front yard!"

Not that it did any good at all. They'd all come piling out of their old junker of a bus, laughing and cheering, and made themselves quite at home in his home. There was mud tracked through the carpets, and they'd _all thirteen of them_ made use of the bathroom. Bilbo wouldn't be surprised if his cleaning service up and quit on him, and then where would he be?

And now the young blonde-and-brunette pair were hauling Bilbo's furniture outside.

"No," Bilbo said, blocking their path. "You put that back right now."

"We'll be careful with them Mr. Boggins!" the brunette promised with a big smile as they sidestepped him with his chairs.

"It's Baggins!" Bilbo corrected. "Bilbo _Baggins_."

"Told you it was an 'a'." The blonde cuffed the back of the brunette's head.

"It's not _my_ fault Gandalf has such bad handwriting!" the brunette protested as they set the chairs up – oh, and here was another set with Bilbo's table between them. They at least were old enough to know better, but no. It seemed Bilbo was throwing a garden party whether he liked or not. And he most certainly did not.

"I apologize for my nieces." The leader of the Company, Thorin Oakenshield himself, pinned Bilbo in place with the power of his gaze. "Fili and Kili can get excited. We all are, for this chance to seize back our homeland! We thank you for your hospitality."

"You're welcome, of course." Politeness was so ingrained in Bilbo the words fell out unbidden. Thorin smiled and turned to leave, and that just wouldn't do. "What I don't understand is why you are all _here_."

"Providing transportation, as stipulated in your contract Mr. Baggins." Thorin's brow clouded. "Gandalf said it was all arranged."

"The tribal lands suit, yes..." Bilbo trailed off. He'd been more than glad to take the case for such a good cause, really. He'd hardly asked for more than travel costs in compensation. "I expected plane tickets, not this!"

Bilbo gestured eloquently at the chaos that had become his front garden. The grills were hot now, and people were throwing hotdogs and buns back and forth, laughing and cheering as they did so. His furniture was everywhere, his pantry and freezer had been emptied of beer and ice, respectively, and he wasn't sure his poor lawn would ever be the same again. Bilbo pointed with particular vengeance at the _bus_. It most certainly did not belong in the nice suburban neighborhood of Hobbiton, with its several layers of chipping paint unable to disguise the fact that it had once been a schoolbus. It looked as though several people had tried to paint a mural on it without having the same idea what the mural was supposed to be. And it had vomited out what must be a good twenty people right into Bilbo's house. And now they expected him to drive across the entire continent in it with them!?

"Not to worry, she's plenty cozy inside, and we've got more than enough space for one more. She's a trusty old steed and we're hauling more than enough biodiesel for the trip!" another man broke in. Bilbo turned to meet laughing brown eyes, crinkled up in a scruffy craggy face, tired and rough around the edges but smiling with so much warmth. Bilbo's heart did a double-beat, but he quashed it impatiently. This was absolutely not the time to be crushing on a client – especially not one who'd invaded his home.

Bilbo opened his mouth to protest, only to be derrailed by having a hotdog topped with grilled onions shoved into his hands.

"Best eat it up while it's hot, you wouldn't want to break Bombur's heart, would you?" The man gestured toward the big round woman who was commanding the grills like a professional.

"I... ah..." There didn't seem to be a graceful way to bow out. Bilbo gave in and took a bite, and felt his eyes go wide. What he'd taken for a hotdog was a sausage, juicy and spicy and rich. He moaned slightly, slirping quickly to keep the juice from running down his chin. "That's _good_ ," Bilbo praised.

"Of course it is!" The man smiled even wider, nudging Bilbo with a friendly elbow. "Bombur makes them, secret recipe all her own, but the meat was hunted by our own Bifur." He gestured to another man, the one with wide wild eyes and a big knot of scars on his forehead. "Venison and wild boar. You'll not find the like anywhere else! I'm Bofur, doubt you caught all our names the first time."

"Well thank you, Bofur... but why? Why so many of you?" Bilbo asked. "Thorin is the plaintiff in this case. He's the direct descendant of the old king of Erebor."

"We are a show of strength!" Thorin broke back in. He had a sausage of his own now. "The people of Erebor may be scattered, but we are not gone. The bloodlines of Erebor are alive and well!" Thorin finished on nearly a roar, and the entire Company whooped and cheered at his pronouncement.

Bilbo had taken the case to right a wrong, but it was a wrong to him in an academic sort of way. For these, the people of Erebor, it was an injustice far closer to the heart. It was their homeland, their sacred places, they were fighting for – and fighting a narrative of their people as lost and gone. Extinct. Bilbo took another big bite of sausage to cover himself, before he could get soppy about the whole thing.

Then, of course, he noticed that Fili and Kili had with the help of a few others strung an extension cord from Bilbo's bedroom window up to the top of the bus, where they'd relocated his sound system. They started to dance with each other as the first thumping beats of their music started to play.

"No!" Bilbo protested. "Bring those down at once, this is not allowed!"

Not that it did him any good.

 

Just past sunset, the local cops arrived.

"Oh, _perfect_!" Bilbo threw his hands up in the air. "Now the Sackville-Bagginses have called the police on me for a noise violation. Do you know how long the homeowners association is going to hold this over my head? Forever, that's how long! Just pack it up. Pack it all up, the party's over!"

The cops stepped out of their car cautiously, eyebrows going up and up as they took the scene in. It certainly wasn't regular for this neighborhood, not at all! Hobbiton was a _quiet_ place, and Bilbo liked it that way. Bilbo braced himself for the citations he'd no doubt be collecting. How steep were the fines going to be? He had no idea. He'd never expected to be paying them. At least this madness was going to be swiftly finished.

"By my beard... Prisca Bolger?" the largest of the Company, Dwalin, stepped toward the cops with a wide smile. The senior officer of the pair did a double take.

"Not Dwalin Fundinul!? I haven't seen you in a dog's age!" Bilbo watched in shock as she stepped forward with her arms wide. Dwalin picked Officer Bolger clear up when he hugged her, spinning her around with her arms around his neck. They were both laughing.

"You're a cop now?" Dwalin asked, releasing her.

"Pays the bills. Keeps me close to home." Prisca shrugged. "What about you? What are you doing these days?"

"Head Ranger at the little forest back in Ered Luin." Dwalin reached his hand out, gesturing to another man, Nori, tucked him in tight against his side. "This is my partner in crime, Nori. We got married a couple years back, the first hour it was legal. This is Prisca, she kept me sane when we were enlisted."

"For a given value of 'sane'," Prisca laughed. "Congratulations, both of you. But what's all this?" She gestured to the party. "What are you doing in Hobbiton?"

"We've got a court date. We're just picking our Attorney up, Bilbo Baggins. We're getting the Lonely Mountain back. Our homeland." Dwalin's voice got a touch thick at the end. "Please, sit, have a beer and catch up. Meet Bifur too; he's ex airforce, but he's alright."

"I'm on duty," Prisca said regretfully. She checked her watch. "Tell you what, I'm off in half an hour. I'll bring my wife over after that?"

Bilbo's jaw dropped as he watched the local cops make friendly plans to _join in_ this monstrous celebration. They left again with no citations issued, no warnings given.

"I give up." Bilbo slumped against his dining room table – out in the lawn. "I just give up." He couldn't stop this, the _cops_ couldn't stop this. All that was left was defeat.

A freshly opened beer was pressed into his hand, and Bilbo took it. Bywater Brown, it was one of his favorites, or else he wouldn't have stocked his pantry with it. It was a limited edition, artisan brew. There wouldn't be any more after tonight. Bilbo took a long drink, and leaned into the friendly arm Bofur had thrown around him. Bofur was comfortably solid, and warm in the spring coolness that nipped the air.

"There now," Bofur soothed quietly. His hand was rubbing up and down Bilbo's back. It was a nice hand, a tough workman's hand. Bilbo shuddered clear through when Bofur's fingers found the sensitive nape of his neck, blunt nails scratching softly through his short hair. "There now, it's not so bad."

 

There was one beer, and then another, and then a bottle of sweet honey liquor passed around and around in the light of the dying embers of the grill as the party wound down. The sound system was put away to be replaced by the Company's singing voices, songs familiar and unfamiliar to Bilbo's ears, and the most beautiful harmonies.

There was the radiant warmth of Bofur at Bilbo's side, the gentle strength of Bofur's arm around him. Later still there was a surprisingly comfortable little nook of a bed in the bus, and Bofur's body pressed close against his own. There was maybe even a kiss or two with the delicious prickle of Bofur's stubble against Bilbo's chin, but no more than that.

 

"Nooo..." Bilbo groaned, throwing an arm across his face as light passed across it. It was far too early for light, he was sure of it. He should have tottled off to his own bed, where he had curtains, but Bofur had been too cozy to cuddle. The light swept over his face from a different direction, and Bilbo turned his head away again with another groan.

Bilbo shouldn't have drunk quite so much the night before. He felt like he was rocking, as if the bus was floating like a boat rather than parked in front of his house. His head felt heavy and stuffy, like there was a deep rumble traveling through his bones.

He perked up, though, at the unmistakable scent of coffee. Bilbo sniffed it in deeply and dared crack an eyelid to peek out between his fingers in search of it.

Dori had her beautiful silver hair all down, in the midst of her morning ablutions across from him. She rinsed her razor in a little cup of water and ran her fingers across her cheeks to be sure her skin was perfectly smooth before dabbing it dry and reaching for a makeup compact out of her purse. She winked at Bilbo and gestured him further up the bus with a turn of her chin. There were a few other indistinct lumps of sleeping people, and then Bombur heating a stovetop espresso maker over a little propane camp stove. Bilbo made an indistinct sound as he reached toward the sweet nectar of life. It was not his most eloquent moment, but it seemed Bilbo was noticed. Bombur nodded to him as she poured the brew into a mismatched set of cups. Ori, the youngest of the whole lot, carefully carried the tray through the bus – passing them to those who were beginning to wake. Bofur was still snoring with a silly flop-eared hat pulled down over his face, but Bilbo managed to pull himself upright to accept his espresso.

The coffee was thick and strong and dark, and just exactly what Bilbo needed. With the first hints of caffeine flowing through his system, Bilbo straightened up and took more of his surroundings in. The bus had really been very well redesigned on the inside for comfort – with double-decker bunk beds and even some open space and some seats left. Dwalin and Thorin were nursing their coffee over a small table, going over what might have been a map. Bifur was up front driving.

_Bifur was driving!?_

"No!" Bilbo gasped as the rocking and rumbling and the moving light source suddenly all made sense. "Turn the bus around, I'm going home!"

"Don't worry, Mr. Baggins," Dori soothed in her quietly mellow voice. Several other company members made sounds that could have been threats on Bilbo's person for being loud. "I packed all your things up for you." She indicated his own robins-egg blue luggage, neatly stowed with other bags.

"But..." Bilbo protested. "But... I can't... How far are we from Hobbiton?"

"Quite a ways. Bifur got us an early start at five, and it's nearly eleven now. We had a nice rainy morning for sleeping in."

"But my house?" Bilbo's hands clenched on his coffee cup, visions of his front door wide open and his furniture scattered across the lawn dancing behind his eyes.

Dori put her makeup aside and dug around in her purse, coming back up with a key, which she pressed into Bilbo's hands. His front door key. "Straightened up and locked away tight," Dori assured him.

"But..." Bilbo protested one last time, even as he put the key in his pocket.

"Sh," Bofur stirred himself enough to shush, blindly groping for Bilbo and awkwardly patting at the side of his belly. Bilbo sighed and buried himself in the coffee cup. He hadn't had nearly enough caffeine to deal with any of this. There might not be enough caffeine in the world. He stared morosely at the bottom of his empty cup, then curiously turned it over.

"Westfarthing," he mused, reading the manufacturers mark and year on the bottom. "I've got one just like this at home."

"Not anymore," Ori piped up, coming back through to collect empty cups. "We packed it up for you!"

Bilbo gasped like a landed fish as the cup was plucked out of his hands. That was just too far, but really what was he going to do about it? There didn't seem to be anything he could do about anything. He was taking the transportation offered and coming along on this trip whether he liked it or not. Bilbo groaned as he finally let Bofur's sleepy hand pull him back down into the blankets.

This was not what he'd signed on for!


	3. Gimli and the Briefcase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gimli, you _teenager_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ommer has been suggested as the gender neutral alternative to Aunt/Uncle.

The second day after the Company left to reclaim the Lonely Mountain, Gimli found the briefcase. The important briefcase. The one that had all of their genealogies in it proving their Ereborian blood and claim to the land. The proof without which the case for the Mountain could not be won.

Gimli had been looking for the very similar looking briefcase that he kept his schoolwork in, looking for his summer reading assignment.

This was bad. This was very, very bad. Gimli immediately went for the phone. He dialed Gloin's cellphone, bouncing nervously on his toes while it rang and rang – until he heard the cellphone ringing from his parents' room.

Ommer Oin's cellphone went directly to a completely full voicemail. Oin had probably been messing with the settings again and didn't realize ze'd turned something off.

Next Gimli tried Thorin. He tried to call Thorin three times, but it rang and rang and was never answered. Aunti Balin had never taken to cellphones, and Uncle Dwalin must have changed numbers again because Gimli got a wrong number when he tried.

Gimli paced back and forth across the house, phone in his hand as he wracked his brain. He didn't know the numbers for anyone else on the bus – if they even _had_ cellphones. He knew Fili and Kili's had been impounded months ago by Dis because they hadn't realized texts to each other counted against their limit and ran up a huge bill.

There was no way to get the Company to turn back to get the briefcase – so clearly someone had to _take_ it to them. Catch up to them in the bus. Gimli tossed the phone aside and went for the computer. He knew his father had printed the directions of the planned trip. It ought to still be in the browsing history. Gimli's stepmother, Nirma, had taken his younger siblings off to visit her sister for a week. She hadn't had a vacation in far too long, he couldn't disturb her now. She deserved a break. Dis would have been going in the bus herself if she'd been able to get the time off work, she clearly couldn't do it. Bifur's wife Lari couldn't make such a long drive comfortably with her bad leg, and their son Lifur was too young.

Not like Gimli. Gimli was more than old enough, and he'd just gotten his learner's permit too! There was clearly only one person who could do this very important task. He was just going to have to step up and be the responsible one, like his parents were always telling him. It was just luck Gimli had opted out of joining Nirma and the little ones on their vacation. He'd chosen to stay behind to keep the sprinklers moving and the animals fed, and because he sometimes like to have time alone. Not at all because he was pouting about not getting to go along with the Company in the bus.

Gimli printed the map out and looked it over with a grin. It was meticulously annotated with their projected timelines and stops. His da always had been a stickler for detail. The bus wasn't taking the most efficient route, so Gimli shouldn't have a hard time cutting them off.

Gimli shot off a quick email to Lifur asking him to look after the animals and sprinklers after all, and threw a change of clothes and his wallet in a bag. He had some money saved up from working odd jobs, probably enough. For food he raided the pantry for jerky and nuts and a few jars of home-canned soup, nice good healthy stuff. Also several bags of cheesy puffs and snack mix and candy and a case of Blue-Mountain Dew. Last of all, Gimli left a note on the table saying where he'd gone and why. Within half an hour of finding the briefcase, Gimli headed out the door.

It wasn't really legal for him to be driving alone on just a permit, but that was what farm vehicle exemptions were for. Gimli smiled fondly at his truck, his good old girl.

"Ready to go, Arod?" Gimli asked, patting her hood fondly. He'd been repairing and restoring her for years. He'd worked beside Gloin at first, but nowadays his da admitted that Gimli knew her better than he ever would. Gimli knew her in and out, could read her every mood. She was old, old, but she'd get him as far as he needed to go. He knew she would. He loaded his bag and snacks in the cab, and made sure the barrel of water for coolant refill was full in the bed of the truck, and he was off. Arod coughed and rattled her way eagerly down the road with Gimli grinning behind the wheel and the briefcase of precious proof safe beside him.

There was really  _nothing_ else he could have done.


	4. 'trols

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry, this chapter isn't funny at all. Please also note that this fic is now tagged for racism and mentions of police violence. nothing bad happens, but I'd rather warn.
> 
> (Also it should be mentioned that some gender changes have been retconned into the fic)

Thorin wasn't speeding when they were pulled over, or in the wrong lane, or breaking any other traffic laws. The bus' license and registration were clean, of course, Thorin had made sure of that. They wouldn't have risked the trip in it otherwise. They'd done nothing wrong but unapologetically exist, and that might be the highest crime of all.

"Highway patrol is pulling us over?" Bilbo looked confused, while everyone else awake groaned and began preparing. "Why on earth are we being pulled over?"

"Because we are Ereborean," Thorin might have spat it out a little more bitterly than Bilbo deserved, but he was more than sick of the harassment. Bilbo caught on quickly, and his face set in a mulish expression. "Do not bait them." Thorin warned. The highway patrol didn't need any excuse to make this worse than it had to be.

"Damn 'trols," Fili grumbled. She was putting on a brave face, but Thorin could see her worry in how close she was holding to Kili. Balin handed the bus' registration to Thorin. He accepted it with a nod and fished his drivers license out and opened the window to wait.

The patrol officer made a point of shining his flashlight directly into Thorin's eyes. Thorin in turn made a point of looking past it directly at the officer's face without blinking.

"License and registration," the officer droned, and Thorin passed them over without comment. He passed them off to a second officer – impossible to see in the dark with the light shining in Thorin's eyes. "How many are in the vehicle? Where are you folks headed?" he asked, peering past Thorin into the bus.

"Fourteen. We are heading east to visit family in the Iron Hills." Thorin stuck to the easiest to swallow story.

"Alright, I'm going to need you all to step out of the vehicle. Bring your identifications. No hands in pockets, no funny business!"

Of course. Of _course_ they were going to get searched.

Thorin nodded and stood, throwing a glance back at the bus. They'd been having a quiet night in the bus, some people sleeping while others played cards or quietly sang as they drove. Now everyone was tense and worried as those who had been sleeping were woken. When they were all as ready as they could be, Thorin nodded to his Company and opened the bus door.

They all filed out past the highway patrol officer to line up against the side of the bus. Thorin did notice that Dwalin placed himself beside Dori, shielding her from one side while Balin and Gloin had elected to protect her other side. Gloin had never bothered with surgery or hormones, and he didn't mind being mistaken for a butch woman if it was to draw attention from someone more vulnerable. Dwalin placed his big hand briefly on Dori's tense shoulder, giving it a squeeze before turning to the other side to do the same to Nori, and then past him to Ori. Dwalin's expression was hard when he met Thorin's eye. Dwalin wouldn't hesitate to make a target of himself if someone else started to get singled out. Probably get belligerent and start an argument on the basis of having fought as a soldier and deserving better treatment – his crooked nose attested to the fact that he knew how to take a beating. Thorin's heart burned at the injustice of it, the horrible calculations they were forced to make.

"Who are you?" The officer stopped Bilbo, shining the flashlight full on his round face. He certainly didn't match the rest of them.

"Bilbo Baggins," Bilbo answered sharply, handing over his ID. "Attorney at Law. Now if you will excuse me, Officer Bill Huggins of the Shaws, I have some phone calls to make. This traffic stop is _anything_ but legal!"

The Company watched in shock as Bilbo immediately began dialing his phone, watching the patrol officer as if daring him to make something of it. If he'd hoped this would halt the highway patrol officers, he was wrong.

Thorin gritted his teeth and answered as politely as he could while the Company was grilled with endless questions. A second vehicle followed after the first, and soon there were three officers strutting up and down beside the bus. Tom, Bert, and Bill, and they were nasty pieces of work. Bill took up most of the questioning, while Tom and Bert were content to make suggestions about citing the bus as a safety hazard and impounding it, or 'putting it out of its misery' by setting it on fire, or 'cleaning up the road' by locking the entire Company away for good.

It went on for hours. Little Ori was shivering in the cool night air, and Oin whose old bones weren't up to the cold anymore. Bilbo kept arguing, citing every single law the officers were breaking while pointing out that the Company had every right to be driving down this road – when he wasn't on the phone. He seemed to be calling an impressive number of powerful people, and as it went on the officers began to get more and more nervous that they might actually be getting in trouble for this. They shrugged it off with bravado, but they began whispering to each other nervously as they eyed Bilbo.

Bill tried to take Bilbo's phone away from him, only to be blasted by point and article of _exactly_ how illegal the very attempt was. Bilbo even managed to argue Bert and Tom around in a legal circle to keep them out of the bus, which was a help. Who knew how many of their belongings they might have destroyed in frustration. And if they'd taken the idea to impound the briefcase of the Company's proof, which they were nasty enough to think was funny, the entire court case would have come to naught.

Bill's radio went off finally, and Thorin watched Bilbo's smile widen as Bill blanched as he listened.

"Yes. Yes, sir," Bill swallowed hard. "Understood, sir." He put the radio back and threw a wide-eyed glance toward Bilbo.

"I don't imagine your superiors are enjoying Gandalf Olorin breathing down their necks," Bilbo said calmly. "How much stronger are you planning on making the discrimination case against you?"

"Whatever. Just pack it up," Bill gestured the other two away. "I'm tired and the sun's rising. It's not worth the paperwork to deal with this, we'd be up half the day."

The other two grumbled, but the Company's IDs were handed back all in a stack and in a moment the patrol cars were gone.

"Well done Bilbo!" Fili and Kili pounced on Bilbo to hug him, laughing at their good fortune as they praised him. Thorin shared a weary look with the older and wiser members of the Company, but let them have their celebration. It would likely all have gone much faster if Bilbo hadn't intervened, though it had been satisfying once Bilbo's plan worked to see the officers defeated.

"Back in the bus!" Thorin ordered, and everyone trooped back. Someone mentioned hot chocolate, and people began rushing to grab their mugs and calling dibs on their favorite flavors. Nori lingered briefly, pretending to take a leak on a bush as he tossed three police gun clips into the trees.

"Nori..." Thorin chastised.

"Didn't want them armed." Nori grinned back unrepentant. "Don't worry, I didn't leave any fingerprints." He danced past Thorin into the bus, and Thorin heard him complaining that the cold had gotten into his bones and begging to be warmed up. He'd probably thrown himself into Dwalin's lap for that, wiggling suggestively.

"No sex on the bus!" Dori reminded, and Nori laughed, and Thorin followed into the bus.

"Well, that was a waste of time," Gloin grumped, going over the map. "Still, we should make it to Rivendell before the end of the day."

"Your turn to drive," Thorin rested his hand on Gloin's shoulder in passing. He waved off an offer of hot chocolate and made his way to his bunk. He'd need to be as well rested as possible to deal with _Rivendell_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone requested the Company's genders be listed, for the sake of clarity.
> 
> Ladies: Balin, Dori, Bombur, Fili, Kili  
> Dudes: Thorin, Bifur, Bofur, Dwalin, Nori, Gloin, Gimli, Bilbo  
> Enby: Oin  
> ???: Ori


	5. The Last Homely House Commune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Company survives Rivendell

Dwalin shared an incredulous look with Thorin as the bus pulled down the track toward Rivendell. "Rivendell: The Last Homely House Commune" the worn old sign proudly proclaimed.

"It's _homely_ alright," Dwalin commented aside to Thorin as they drove past collapsing old buildings that had been reclaimed by vines. Thorin snorted a laugh and elbowed him.

"I think it's charming!" Bilbo piped up. "I mean, it clearly isn't what it once was, but you can't fault them for their ambition."

The Company were gathering their things up, more than ready to be off the bus. The bus had been made as comfortable as possible, no mistake, but being confined with so many people got wearing fast. Dwalin would be more than glad to stretch out and get some fresh air, even if it was among old hippies. Gandalf had promised them a warm welcome and free space to camp here, as well as further proof to cement their case against Smaug.

They parked the bus at what seemed to be the main building. It was a large building in good repair, at least. The Company all piled out to stretch in the late afternoon sunlight.

" _Namaste_!" A tall man swept out of the house, gray hair long and loose. He wore a long robe, nearly a dress, over pants. "Peace and welcome! We had begun to worry that you would not be joining us. I am Elrond, leader of this place in as much as a leader is needed."

"Thorin Oakenshield," Thorin stepped forward to introduce himself

"Of course." Elrond smiled. "I knew your grandfather, when I was a young man."

"He made no mention of you," Thorin answered bluntly, and Dwalin stifled his snort of a laugh. Balin beside him coughed discreetly to cover her own. Why should Thror mention yet another young hippie trying to learn his 'mystical ways' and 'closeness to nature'? "Gandalf led me to believe that you are in possession of some proof that would help our case?" Thorin asked.

"I believe so," Elrond agreed, not the least put off by Thorin's gruffness. "But you must be weary from your long travels! First there is time for leisure – baths and food. Lindir here will see to your comforts." Elrond gestured to a similarly dressed younger man who'd followed him out of the house.

"Well, I wouldn't say no to food," Gloin agreed gruffly, arms folded across his chest. "Lead on then!"

Lindir bowed briefly and sailed meditatively down the steps to lead them further into the commune.

Thorin rubbed at his nose, making a face. "I detest patchouli," he grumbled aside to Dwalin.

"He could have gone lighter on it," Dwalin agreed. The smell of it was thick on the air behind Lindir.

"Maybe he was trying to cover up the scent of pot," Nori commented. His nose was more sensitive than Dwalin's, and he sniffed carefully. "Field grown, I'd guess. Not the strongest."

"Only a little of mother Gaia's bounty is sufficient," Lindir broke in, surprising them. His ears must be damn sensitive. Thorin glowered at his back. "Here is the summer bathhouse," Lindir gestured to another building in good repair. It was squat and sturdy, with the roundness of a cob structure. It seemed to be constructed of four rooms, each opening to a different direction. The two Dwalin could see were labeled as 'earth' and 'wind'. He'd gamble good money the other two were 'fire' and 'water'.

"The solar coils on the roof should have enough water for everyone to shower, it has been a warm day." Lindir continued, "There is also the stream at the bottom of the field, which you are welcome to. Will this field be sufficient for your camping needs?"

"It should be plenty, thank you," Balin broke in before Thorin could say something rude.

"Dinner is at sunset in the main house," Lindir said, clearly relieved. " _Namaste_." He bobbed another quick bow and fled.

"A shower sounds marvelous!" Dori smiled. She wasn't the only one who began excitedly exploring the bathhouse or running to the bus to grab shower things.

Nori looked toward the bathhouse hopefully, but Dwalin grabbed his arm. "Let's get everyone's tents set up," Dwalin suggested. "And then, when everyone else has cleared out..."

Nori grinned. "I like how you think," he purred. Nori liked to push boundaries with his teasing and flirting, but at the end of the day there wasn't much they could do in the bus with the entire Company. They slept in the same little bunk, but Dwalin had been missing closeness with Nori.

The tents were easy enough to get out of the bus, and Dwalin and Nori consulted with those who weren't bathing on where to set them up. Their own tent was a little ways away from the others. Fili and Kili had found an old fire pit and cleared the weeds out of it before scavenging through the edges of the woods for fallen branches for fuel. They were the last to shower, before everyone else was done and Nori and Dwalin finally took their turn.

The setup was simple in the bathhouse, with a drain in the middle of the room and a shower head in one wall. There was a bench to put towels and soap and their clothes, which was convenient. It was a decent enough space, Dwalin could concede. The hot water was plenty warm, with the sun still shining on the solar coils, and Nori naked under the water was a sight for sore eyes.

Dwalin slid up behind him, pulling Nori back against his chest as the water ran over them. Nori sighed as Dwalin's hands wandered, stretching and pushing into the attention before twisting around to wrap his arms around Dwalin's neck. They kissed, nice and slow, breaking and coming back for more. Nori's mouth was so sweet, so good, his strong lean body so perfect against Dwalin's.

"No sex in the bus is an awful rule," Nori complained as they helped soap each other up. "I've missed touching you."

Dwalin snorted. "Like even _you'd_ actually have sex with your siblings right there."

"Shut up, you'll ruin my reputation." Nori's eyes were laughing, and Dwalin put a dollop of soap suds on the tip of his pointy nose. Nori tackled him for it, and they wrestled each other back under the shower to rinse off, both laughing. Anyone who happened to be close enough to the bathhouse to hear their grunts and laughter and the smack of wet flesh would assume they were having sex. Nori's downright pornographic moans when Dwalin massaged his scalp to help shampoo his beautiful long hair would be taken for the same. Dwalin didn't care. It wasn't his responsibility to take care of other people's assumptions about his relationship. He had nothing to be ashamed of wherever he did or didn't have sex with Nori.

Anyone who thought their relationship was just physical because Nori's defense mechanisms included being a lewd little shit were absolutely free to be wrong. Sure they had plenty of sex, but there was so much more to it than that. There were so many more moments like this, body against body and skin against skin, just the pure joy of getting to touch and hold. There was always knowing they'd have each other's back, always be there to support each other. No matter how bad times got, Dwalin had his family and he had Nori.

"Uhoh, he's getting soppy!" Nori broke into Dwalin's introspection with a sharp nip to his lip to break him out of it. Dwalin growled at him, and Nori laughed as he slipped out of Dwalin's arms to go to the towels.

 

The Company were more than hungry when they congregated at the main house for dinner. They all settled themselves at the long table that had been prepared with only a bit of jostling and elbowing to get themselves sorted out. Their cheers when the food was brought out died away as they got a good look at it. There was... well, there was a lot of raw vegetables. A lot of sprouts. Even the soup was thick with greens. They'd never been ones to waste food, or insult a host by turning it away, so they all served themselves as best they could. The bread wasn't so bad, even if it was full of crunchy seeds, but there was no butter to be had. There was sunflower butter instead. Bifur had the idea to stir some sunflower butter into his soup, and Dwalin and a few others followed suit. It seemed to round the flavor out a bit, thicken it up. Come to think of it, there hadn't been any livestock to be seen in the whole commune. Vegan hippies, just wonderful.

It wasn't terrible. Dwalin had definitely eaten worse in the army, but it wasn't to his taste either. Their hosts seemed to realize that something was wrong, and were trying to keep up a polite chatter of conversation to cover for it. Poor Ori had never been a fan of vegetables, especially not raw ones, and looked somewhere between tears and outright mutiny.

"Where's the meat?" Dwalin asked – peering under piles of sprouts and things as though it were just hiding. Ori laughed a little at that, cheering up slightly.

"Here in Rivendell we live in _harmony_ with the land," Lindir explained, a bit primly.

"So do wolves," Bifur grumbled into his beard, and those around him chuckled and elbowed him. You didn't get to be as good a hunter as Bifur without understanding the animals and the land a good deal more than Lindir likely ever would.

"I don't suppose they'd have any chips..." Ori whispered aside to Dori, peering down the table as if there might be something better further along it.

"Oh!" One of the cooks did a fake look of surprise if Dwalin had ever seen one, "I completely forgot to bring out the crisp beans." She bustled away, followed by a couple others. Ori didn't look very hopeful for this latest addition and resumed plucking seeds out of a slice of bread.

The cooks came back quickly with a few more trays. 'Crispy beans' appeared to be cooked beans that had been salted and baked to crispness, they were weird but good, and Ori seemed to agree. There was also kale chips, which Ori was more skeptical about but took to once a few people had tried them first. There was a creamy tofu-based sauce to coat the raw vegetables, it was a little beany but the spices were good. Lastly there were a few pots of jelly placed down the table. This pleased Ori most – and soon Ori was chattering away with a sunflower butter and jelly sandwich in one hand and crispy beans in the other.

It had certainly lifted the atmosphere of the table, and conversation flowed better afterward. Dwalin figured it counted well toward the commune that they would work to accommodate different eating habits when they realized something was wrong. The bottles of homebrew Elrond had brought out at the end of the meal helped too. There was one flavored with meadowsweet and lavender according to Lindir, and a stronger brew spiced with chili peppers, but they were not bad.

"So, about this proof you have?" Thorin finally pressed Elrond.

"Yes, a diary and business ledger I think will be most helpful to your efforts! This way," Elrond turned toward a door deeper into the building.

"Balin, Dwalin, Bilbo," Thorin gestured them to follow with a turn of his head.

"Bilbo?" Elrond looked closer at Bilbo as they followed him. "Bilbo Baggins the attorney? I did not expect you to be traveling on the bus."

"To be honest, neither did I," Bilbo said dryly. "Whose diary is it we're getting?"

"An ancestor of mine," Elrond led them into a wide library and began wandering down the dusty stacks, searching for something. "A land baron, I'm afraid to say, in the early days of colonial rule. He claimed a great deal of land on and near the Lonely Mountain." Elrond came back with a small tattered volume and a larger square book, which he placed on a table in front of them. "These books describe in minute detail his conflicts with the original inhabitants. Along with your genealogies, there is no more definitive proof that your claims are true. I've marked particularly relevant passages."

"And what is it you expect in exchange for this?" Balin asked gruffly, even as Bilbo began eagerly thumbing through the smaller volume.

"Nothing, nothing," Elrond waved that off. "Only maybe a few stories and songs this evening for the commune's entertainment? We have so few visitors these days, and I always did love Thror's voice when I could coax him to sing."

"That is a generous enough price," Thorin agreed. Bilbo took the books to the bus, and they returned to the Company that had already begun paying their price unbidden. The evening was a fine one. Oin and Gloin got a fire going in the firepit, and everyone joined in singing and even a bit of dancing. Everyone parted in good spirits, with the Company all implored to join the commune at their dawn meditation before breakfast.

"So, hitting the road a bit before 'dawn meditation'?" Dwalin commented.

Thorin laughed and slung an arm around his shoulders. "You truly understand me, old friend." Dwalin smacked him on the back and headed off to join Nori at their little tent tucked against the woods away from everyone else. Nori's arm came around Dwalin's waist, and Dwalin squeezed him tight. Nori was smiling up at him, a predatory gleam in his eye.

They needed to get to bed to rest before their long drive in the morning, but they could still steal a little time for _fun_ while they had the privacy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For smuts that follow this chapter - please check out the first two chapters of the side stories!
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/4866944/


	6. The Misty Mountains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Company pass over the Misties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's some Violence in this chapter

The Company were all in good spirits as they left Rivendell, despite the early hour. They packed their tents back into the bus as quietly as they could, politely ignoring who had ended up in bed with each other, and were driving off before they saw hide or hair of the commune members. Fili and Kili had been up with Bifur in the gray twilight before dawn, tickling trout in the little stream at the bottom of the field, and Bombur fried fresh fillets on the little camp stove for breakfast as they drove. They were big fish, the fillets nearly boneless and tasty with some vinegar and the hash-brown potatoes Bombur cooked on the second burner of the stove.

Bilbo made some sounds about the safety of open flames and frying oil in a moving vehicle, but Bofur reassured him that Bombur knew what she was doing and Bilbo subsided into his tea. He was so cute in the mornings, when he was all sleep-tousled and owlish. Bofur put an arm around Bilbo, and Bilbo cuddled into his side.

The atmosphere in the bus was peaceful. Thorin was gently brushing Dori's silver hair while Ori napped on her lap. Fili and Kili decided to nap as well, after their early morning, which helped with keeping things quiet. Oin, who'd been acting as server for Bombur and taking food through the bus, gathered everyone's plates and cups back up and dug around in zer medical kit for a little bruise cream. This was handed off to Dwalin for the impressive dark purple bite bruise on his throat.

Dwalin turned a touch red when he realized, but Nori smirked proudly and took his place straddling Dwalin's lap to gently apply the cream. It took longer than it needed to. Nori's fingers rubbed up and down Dwalin's throat, lingering across the bite mark. Dwalin's head was thrown back, neck bare and vulnerable, his breath all but a moan, big hands squeezing and releasing on Nori's hips. They were downright beautiful to watch, until Dori had enough and gave a pointed little cough as she prodded Nori's side. Nori just laughed and pulled Dwalin down into their bunk to cuddle, closing their makeshift curtain around them.

Thorin pressed a kiss to the top of Dori's head and excused himself to go talk to Balin, who was driving. It was just cozy, just _nice_ , to have the Company in the bus all together. Bofur was smiling as he went to help Oin with the dishes.

 

The rest of the day did not go as well as the morning had begun. The old bus struggled up the slopes of the Misty Mountains, and then a heavy storm blew up without warning. The windshield wipers were barely up to the task of keeping the road visible, and the entire bus rocked and swayed with the hard gusts of wind. And that was before they were nearly run off the road by the giant stone-mining trucks that were recklessly roaring up and down the highway.

The entire Company was on edge. Bombur didn't even dare try to cook under the conditions, so it was a cold supper for those who could stomach it. Bofur gnawed on some jerky, but Bilbo wouldn't even have that much. He sat stiffly, watching the road and flinching at every gust of wind. He rejected any comfort any of them could offer.

They were all glad when they finally reached their camp for the night. It was not a great campsite, barely more than a pullout on the side of the road at the apex of the mountains, but it was better than driving. The entire Company piled out of the bus to stretch and enjoy the fact that they were still alive. It was awfully late, and the weather might turn again, but more than a few started setting up tents. It would probably be more comfortable to sleep in the bus, but everyone was glad to be out of there for the moment.

Oin borrowed the camp stove from Bombur and brewed up some sleepy tea. It was mostly chamomile and honey, but it was warm and should help everyone relax. Bofur would have thought Bilbo would be among the first to have some tea, he'd been the most stressed, but Bilbo didn't show up for it. Bofur got a cup for Bilbo and went in search of him to offer tea and another night in a tent instead of their little bunk. Bofur had offered to let Bilbo have his own bed on the bus, he could squeeze in with Bifur easy enough, but Bilbo had invited Bofur to keep sharing the bunk with him. It would be nice to share a bed outside the bus again, if Bilbo felt up to it. They could get up to a bit more kissing and groping in a tent than they could get away with on the bus.

Bofur was starting to get worried, and most of the Company were bedding down, when he finally found Bilbo. Bilbo had wandered a bit away from the camp, seemingly to get better reception on his phone. Bofur hurried up to offer Bilbo the rapidly cooling tea, only to see Bilbo going over a map on his phone. A map, with route highlighted back to Hobbiton.

"...but if I do a taxi, then a hotel, and then a rental car..." Bilbo muttered to himself, pricing out different options.

"You're leaving us?" Bofur asked, and Bilbo jumped. He must not have heard Bofur's approach. He looked up at Bofur, guilt and determination warring on his face. "You can't," Bofur protested. "We need you, Bilbo!"

"I'm not giving up the court case," Bilbo assured him. "I'll still be there for that. But all of this?" Bilbo gestured toward the camp, toward the nighttime mountains, the road with its big mining trucks roaring down it. "I never agreed to any of this. It's a fun adventure for all of _you,_ but I can't do this." Bilbo shook his head. "It isn't for me."

It wasn't a personal rejection, even if it stung like one. Bofur tried to remind himself of that. He nodded, and managed a smile. "You're right. You deserve better." Bilbo was used to a safer and more comfortable life. It was a bit of a cruel trick to haul him along on the bus without so much as a by-your-leave instead of trying to scrape together the money to buy a plane ticket for him.

"Bofur, I didn't mean..." Bilbo started, breaking off as he looked past Bofur toward the bus. "What's that?" he asked.

It took Bofur a criminally long time of peering into the dark to realize what Bilbo had seen. A truck, backed up to the back of the bus. People who weren't of the Company creeping through the camp.

"Up! Up! To arms!" Thorin bellowed at nearly the same instant as Bofur realized something was wrong. The Company tried to answer, but tents were collapsed on top of them and the majority of them found themselves trying to fight free of their tents rather than fight their attackers. Bofur tossed the mug of tea aside and headed toward the camp at a run. Thorin was up, and Bifur, and not really anyone else. The men, a group of them in ski masks, immediately jumped Thorin when he shouted, and Bofur dove in to help. They were outnumbered at first, but moment by moment more of the Company fought free and joined in. Dwalin literally tore his way out of his collapsed tent with his bare hands and threw himself into the fight with an old army war-cry on his lips.

Bofur got himself into a tight spot, pinned against the bus with two men on him. He took a couple hits before Nori broke into the fight with his collapsible blackjack whistling dangerously through the air and his teeth all bared. He gave Bofur enough space to get free again and regroup with the rest. Bombur was up now, armed with a sturdy hand-carved ladle and watching Dori and Ori's backs. Fili and Kili had made it on top of the bus and were throwing improvised projectiles. Bofur even caught sight of Bilbo unzipping Oin and Gloin's collapsed tent to pull them free.

Unfortunately, Bofur wasn't the only one who saw that. The attackers were beginning to fall back, and one of them grabbed Bilbo. He had his arm around Bilbo's neck, choking him as he dragged him back toward the truck.

"Bilbo!" Bofur started forward to rescue him – saw from the corner of his eye Nori coming in from the side with his blackjack – but it was over before they could reach Bilbo. The attacking man let out a strangled scream and collapsed, and Bilbo stumbled retching into Bofur's arms with a mini-taser still buzzing in his hand.

The attackers grabbed their fallen comrade and bolted to their truck – which had begun moving without them. Dwalin roared past Bofur and Bilbo, seemingly intent on catching the attackers on foot, but Nori flung himself on Dwalin's back and all but wrestled him to a standstill.

"Are you alright?" Bofur patted Bilbo all over, making sure he was all in one piece. Bilbo was shaking, but he managed to nod as he turned off his taser and tucked it back into his pocket.

"Head count!" Thorin's voice drowned out all others. "One!"

Bofur just breathed, finally feeling the ache of the punches he'd taken as he listened to everyone's voice call out their number. They were all here. All safe and sound.

"Fourteen," Bilbo added, half a beat after the end of count-off.

"Good," Thorin took several deep breaths. "Pack everything up. We can't stay here. They could be back with reinforcements."

"That seems likely," Nori mused. He was wearing thin kid-skin driving gloves, his crime gloves, and going through two wallets. "Check out our friends' work ID's."

Dori brought a flashlight over, and several people gathered around to look.

"Smaug," Thorin spat. "Of course he'd send his people to try to stop us. Well, they failed. And we will not be caught off guard again!"

"Um... Uncle Thorin?" Fili'd gotten a flashlight tossed up to her on top of the bus, and now she was standing at the back of the bus shining her flashlight down at the trailer hitch cargo rack. "They might have gotten what they came for."

Bofur was among those rushing to the back of the bus, already knowing in his gut what they were going to see. The biodiesel, their fuel for the trip, was gone.

"Oh no..." Dori whispered, biting her lips. "Oh no, no."

"Bastards," Nori hissed, fishing the cash out of the two wallet's he'd stolen as he tucked their work ID's back into them.

"Put their credit cards back," Dwalin requested, catching Nori's wrist when he would have tossed the wallets down. Nori looked mutinous for a moment before he sighed and took several credit cards out of his sleeve and put them in the wallets. Nori dropped the wallets onto the muddy ground and glared at them like someone who would very much like to spit on them but knew better than to leave DNA evidence at the scene of a crime.

"Pack up," Thorin repeated. "We go on. We're not giving up now."

"We'll think of something," Balin promised, but even she didn't seem all that sure.

"Bifur, are you able to drive?" Thorin asked, and Bofur's attention finally turned to his cousin. Bifur's eyes were very wide and wild, his hands unsteady. He shook his head mutely – his voice was always the first thing to leave him when the flashbacks got bad, and of course a fight brought everything back up. Bofur cursed himself for not realizing sooner, and left to hold Bifur's hand tight. Ground him in the present. Bifur squeezed back in gratitude.

"I'm good, if Bombur brews me some coffee," Gloin volunteered.

It was the work of only a few minutes to get what was left of the tents packed away, and they were back on the road with Gloin behind the wheel. Everyone's bruises and split knuckles were tended, and Oin brewed another pot of calming tea for everyone but Gloin, but no one slept. Bofur held Bifur's hand and practiced breathing exercises with him until he was better. Everyone tended to their own, all but Bilbo who was sitting a little away. He clutched his phone tight, and kept checking it for service as they drove through the mountains.

They came out the other side of the mountains near dawn, and Gloin pulled them over in a view point.

"I'm starting to nod off at the wheel," he apologized.

"Rest a few hours, then someone else will drive," Thorin told him. Ori volunteered for watch and climbed up to the top of the bus with a blanket to wrap up in. Bilbo checked his phone again and made a small strangled noise as he noticed he had service. He immediately popped up and rushed out of the bus to make a phone call.

"We've lost Mr. Baggins," Balin sighed, shaking her head. "This wasn't in his contract."

"We lost him before that," Thorin grumbled quietly. "He was planning his escape when we were attacked." Bofur flinched slightly at that – and that Thorin had overheard his conversation with Bilbo. Thorin briefly patted his shoulder in comfort.

Bofur tried to rest, to nap along with a few others who could, but he did keep an eye on Bilbo. Bilbo was pacing back and forth outside the bus, talking very animatedly to _someone_. At this point they'd be lucky if he didn't drop their case entirely, and then where would they be? Stranded far from home with no fuel and no way to get to their court date _and_ no attorney to argue for them.

Eventually Bilbo came back to the bus. He looked as tired as all of them, but his smile was triumphant. He'd found his way out of this, then, and Bofur did his best to swallow the lump in his throat.

"Gandalf just texted me an address," Bilbo announced proudly, holding up his phone. "Someone who will help us with the fuel problem. We just need to make it to Beorn's."


	7. Not that kind of Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Company stays at Beorn's

Thorin felt the Company relax around him as they drove in to Beorn's farm. There were a few horses in paddocks, a few chickens and shaggy red cows, and acres of mixed fruit trees with bee houses dotted among them. Thorin relaxed himself, behind the wheel. He hadn't said it aloud, but they were running on the last fumes of their biodiesel. For the last few hours he'd been afraid they would not make it.

"Gandalf says he's a recluse, a big bear of a man, but he'll help us if we're polite..." Bilbo was saying in the back.

Nori chuckled. "Good thing some of us know what to do with big bears then."

Dwalin lightly cuffed the back of Nori's head when Thorin glanced in the rear-view mirror, and Bilbo had turned red.

"I really don't think that's the kind of bear Gandalf meant." Bilbo protested.

"We'll find out," Thorin said. "We're here." He parked the bus in front of a sod-roofed house that seemed to incorporate a living tree into part of its structure. Two big dogs, irish wolfhounds if Thorin had to guess, bounded off the porch and raced laps around the bus, barking. Thorin didn't open the door until a man stood on the porch and whistled to call them off. That must be Beorn, big and beardy and scowling at the bus. He set aside what he'd been carving and folded his arms, staring the bus down. His bushy eyebrows raised higher and higher as the Company piled out.

"Beorn?" Thorin asked, stepping forward. "I am Thorin Oakenshield, and this is my Company. Gandalf recommended you to us for biodiesel and a safe place to stay?"

"Radagast mentioned this," Beorn answered gruffly. "I did not expect so many."

" _That_ seems to be a running theme," Bilbo murmured behind Thorin.

"No," Beorn decided, reaching down to scratch behind one of the dogs' ears. "I need my solitude. You can all go."

"We could try, but I doubt we have the fuel to make it back to the highway – or even off your property. Smaug's people stole it all." Thorin answered.

Beorn swelled up as Thorin spoke, but froze at the mention of Smaug's name. "Smaug's people?" he asked. "Why is that slug after _you_?"

"Because we are taking back our lands from him," Thorin answered. "We will not let him line his pockets by defiling our sacred lands."

"And you can prove this?" Beorn asked. "Why should I believe this story?"

Thorin bridled at Beorn's accusation, and might have spat out something undiplomatic if Balin hadn't given his arm a hard squeeze in warning.

"Of _course_ we can prove it!" Bilbo broke in. He darted back into the bus and emerged a moment later with a folder of papers. He shuffled through them as he walked up onto the porch. "Here. The court summons." Bilbo handed it over and then held the back of his hand out for the curious wolfhounds to sniff.

"Hmm," Beorn hummed, stroking his beard as he looked the paper over.

"You see the tire tracks leading up to that shed?" Nori whispered. "That must be where he keeps the biodiesel. We've got him outnumbered, and you notice there's no phone or power lines? We could take it and run..."

Thorin wasn't the only one who turned and glared at Nori.

Nori held up his hands in surrender. "I'm just sayin' he couldn't stop us."

"You think you can win this case?" Beorn asked Bilbo as he handed the paper back. "You can take a bite out of the wyrm?"

"Oh yes," Bilbo smiled almost as sharp as Nori could. "He won't know what hit him."

Beorn threw his head back in a belly laugh. "Little bunny has teeth!" He patted the top of Bilbo's head, ignoring Bilbo's affronted sound, and nodded to Thorin and the rest of the Company. "I will help you, to spite Smaug. Only be quiet. And not too many at a time." Beorn seemed to think that was enough, and turned into his house – closing the door behind him. Thorin was not the only one breathing a sigh of relief.

"We'll set up on the other side of the bus from the house," Thorin decided. "Keep out of his way."

The Company spread out in the sun on the other side of the bus, in the mossy grass that led to the fruit trees. There was a spigot of water they could only hope was fit for human consumption, and they availed themselves of it. The afternoon was lazy and warm, with bees humming through the blooming trees, and many of the Company were glad to nap in the safety here. The dogs came to join them, friendly now, and lay beside one person or another to be pet. Fili and Kili in particular took to the hounds, and played a bit of fetch with them before laying down to nap with the dogs cuddled up beside them. Dwalin and Bifur went over the tents, assessing the damage that had been done to them and repairing what they could. Bombur started some beans for a stew simmering over the camp stove.

Beorn came and went. He seemed curious about the Company, but unsure of them. He checked on his animals and some of his trees, or sat carving a bit away, eying their group cautiously.

"I will show two the biodiesel now," Beorn decided, eventually. Thorin stood and gestured for Gloin to join him. Beorn showed them to the shed Nori had spotted, where he made his biodiesel. It was a nice set up, to Thorin's untrained eye. Gloin made approving sounds and began asking questions. Their conversation quickly went beyond Thorin's understanding. He'd zoned out a bit as they discussed oil sources and uses for the waste glycerin, so he didn't hear the comment of Beorn's that had Gloin bridling.

"Listen close, because I'm only saying this once," Gloin warned. "I am a man, and if you refer to me as anything else again, I will punch you in the face so hard you see stars. Biodiesel be damned."

Beorn straightened up to his full height, raising an eyebrow. "You could not reach," he challenged.

"It might take a nut shot to get you low enough, but trust me." Gloin folded his arms across his chest, glaring Beorn down.

Beorn smiled and clapped Gloin on the shoulder. "I like you," he decided. "These two barrels are full. You can have them." Beorn indicated two by the door.

"We cannot offer much in exchange," Thorin started, as Gloin began to wrestle a big drum toward the bus, rolling it on the bottom edge. Bofur noticed and ran over to help, and the work went easier between the two of them.

"I do this to counter Smaug," Beorn cut him off, "but if a few would chop some firewood, that would be a good trade."

Thorin agreed, and was shown to the chopping block and wood pile. He took a shift, and Bifur and Bofur, and then Dwalin with Nori standing by to flirt with him while he was shirtless. Chopping firewood was never an enjoyable task, but with many hands they made the work light and they soon had a big pile made for Beorn.

Washing up under the spigot when they were done led to Oin treating the bruises and injuries everyone had received in the fight against Smaug's people.

Beorn had retreated back to his porch to carve and watch them cautiously, but his eyebrows raised higher and higher as more bruises were exposed. When Dori began gently sponging a nasty bruise on poor little Ori's ribs, Beorn went into his house and came back with a little jar in his hands. He wavered a bit before approaching.

"Comfrey and willowbark salve," Beorn said, offering it to Oin. "Comfrey for healing, willowbark for the pain."

"Thank you!" Oin said, accepting it. Beorn's eyes just flicked awkwardly toward Ori and then he fled back to his porch.

The youngest and oldest were treated first, of course, but Thorin was glad of the salve when it was his turn to be treated. He knew how to handle himself in a fight, but even doing everything right in a brawl he'd gotten bruised. The salve helped, smelling like honey and growing things and soothing where it was applied.

Beorn returned from milking his cows with a pail of milk around dinnertime. He walked past curiously, sniffing deep at the delicious aromas of Bombur's cooking. It was just a bean stew, but she made it shine.

Beorn came sniffing back around after he'd taken care of the milk, but waited for Bombur to be nearly alone before approaching her. Thorin kept half an eye on Beorn – he might be helping them, but it didn't pay to be off guard. Not that Bombur couldn't look out for herself.

"The soup smells good," Beorn said. "I would trade you walnut bread and honey for a bowl."

"You're welcome to it," Bombur countered with a shy smile, "no trade needed. But everyone brings their own bowl."

"Then... share, rather than trade," Beorn said, smiling back behind his beard. He headed to his house, and came out with an entire rough-hewn table under his arm. He set it up near the bus, and then went back and forth to the house, bringing several loaves of dark bread, blocks of homemade cheese, pitchers of chilled milk, and jars of honey with chunks of honeycomb hanging golden in the depths.

Bombur helped him set it up, with the big pot of stew as the centerpiece on the table. She praised the flavor of everything, especially the honey, sucking a big dollop of it off her fingers with an approving hum that was nearly a moan.

"Are you..." Beorn started, considered, then plowed on. "Are you a man, like Gloin, or?"

Bombur laughed, not unkindly, and patted Beorn's hand. "I'm a woman, thanks for asking."

Beorn nodded and retreated to get his bowl as the rest of the Company lined up to serve themselves. Thorin nearly thought Beorn's face was red, but it might very well have been the light of the setting sun. There were better things to worry about, though, like the delicious spread of food before them.

The loss of their biodiesel had been a stroke of bad luck, but this stop at Beorns nearly made up for it. They could spend a night to recover here, in peace and safety, and far off the beaten track where Smaug's people might look for them. The Company had a quiet night to sleep – Beorn excused himself early – and in the morning sent them off with a few dozen farm eggs and several jars of honey.

Thorin could only hope that the worst was behind them, and luck as good as this would be the rule rather than the exception.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For smut that follows this chapter - please check out the third side story!
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/4866944/chapters/11257639


	8. Mirkwood National Forest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Mirkwood. Lovely trees, interesting mushrooms...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the hallucinogens tag comes to play today

The bus broke down about the time they reached the edges of Mirkwood National Park. There was a lot of steam under the hood, and Gloin and Bofur poked around under there grimly trying to find out what was wrong.

"Coolant hose is splitting," Gloin finally concluded, wiping his greasy hands on a towel. They managed a patch with electrical tape, but it was just a temporary fix. The bus limped its way into Mirkwood and to a secluded pull-off before the patch gave way. It wasn't the worst place they could have broken down. They'd been planning on spending a night in Mirkwood anyway, and it wasn't too far a walk to the nearest town to get the replacement part. It was only unfortunate that the store was already closed for the evening and they'd have to wait for the morning to buy it. Nori complained about it, but after a _look_ from Dwalin he surrendered the money he'd stolen from Smaug's people to pay for the part.

The Company made themselves as comfortable as they could, and Fili helped where she could. They were all experts at setting up camp together by now. They were all in the middle of it when Bilbo emerged from the bus with his phone in one hand and his blue luggage in the other.

"I hope you all have a good evening here," he said. "I'm booking myself a room in town."

There wasn't really anything they could say against him. Fili wouldn't mind sleeping in an actual bed herself if she had the money, and there were more than a few longing looks thrown Bilbo's way as he left. None moreso than Bofur, who scuffed his boots in the dirt and aimed his best sad-hound eyes at Bilbo's back.

Bilbo nodded to himself and tucked his smartphone into his pocket. "You coming, Bofur?" he asked over his shoulder. Bofur perked up like he was seeing sunshine for the first time and bolted into the bus to grab his own worn dufflebag. He ran to catch up with Bilbo with his hand on the top of his head to keep his flop-eared hat in place and not so much as a second glance at the rest of the Company.

 

Fili and Kili helped Bifur forage for a bit. They found plenty of wild leeks, but none of the morels they'd been hoping for. Bifur continued searching, but Kili got bored with Bifur's slow pace Fili joined her for more exploration for the sake of exploration. The woods were very old and dark, but there were glades that were pretty. They didn't come across any streams, unfortunately, not that poaching fish from a National Park was probably a good idea. They startled a few deer, and Kili made shooting-with-a-bow sounds and motions after them. Poaching deer around here was _definitely_ a bad idea, though, so Fili was glad enough that Kili didn't have her bow.

Fili and Kili returned to camp empty-handed but pleasantly worn out after so much just _sitting_ in the bus, and flopped down to rest in the last of the sunlight. Kili lay her head on Fili's belly, and Fili put some braids in her hair even if they were all coming out crooked.

Kili rolled over eventually, plucking blades of grass to twist them into shapes. She started to giggle when she noticed something else, elbowing Fili, and Fili squirmed over to look. It was a nondescript little mushroom in the grass, and Kili giggled as she pinched an edge of the cap. It bruised blue, and Fili grinned back at her. There were many more in the vicinity, now that they were noticing, and Fili helped gather a handful to carry to Oin.

"What trouble have you two gotten into now?" Oin asked, seeing their smiles, but ze brightened up upon seeing the mushrooms they'd collected. "Psilocybes..." Oin mused, taking out a jewelers glass to inspect them more closely to be sure. "Well spotted, these!"

More of the Company gathered around, elbowing each other and grinning.

"Shall we indulge?" Dori asked, smiling at Thorin. It was his call, in the end. He stroked his beard thoughtfully.

"We haven't got anything pressing to do this evening," Balin pointed out. "And the effects will have faded by morning."

Thorin pretended to think more, looking around at the Company's eager faces, but Fili could see in the twinkle of his eye that he'd already decided. "Very well," he pronounced, and the Company erupted into cheers around them. "Portion them out Oin," Thorin ordered. " _Light_ doses, just enough for some fun."

"A shame Bofur's missing out," Dori mused, accepting her portion. "He loves these."

"Serves him right for abandoning us," Nori answered, taking his dose and another mushroom on top of it without Oin noticing. He winked at Fili as he popped them into his mouth.

"Bofur isn't exactly getting a raw deal here," Dwalin pointed out. He took a smaller dose than most, but then he did like to keep his wits about him as much as possible.

"Shut up and let me feel superior for once, why don't you?" Nori pleaded, and Dwalin laughed as they wandered off together. Fili and Kili took the small amount they were given, and waited around for it to start affecting them. It did not take long. The world opened up. Everything was brighter, fresher. The dinner Bombur made was delicious, and then the sunset was so beautiful it almost hurt.

As wonderful as the sunset had been, the night was better. Velvet tendrils wrapped them all up in darkness together, with the brilliant diamonds of the stars nearly close enough to touch. The Company was all together, all happy and close. Fili cuddled with Ori on one side and Kili on the other, and Ori had a mini flashlight and a leaf. Ori flicked the light on and off, radiance shining between the bones of the leaf for an instant and falling away, again and again. Kili leaned over Fili to put make vague shadow puppets against the trees with the light of Ori's flashlight, and they all three giggled at the misshapen attempts.

Gloin composed part of a poem to their trusty old bus to recite, but trailed off unfinished. It was still beautiful, and they all still applauded him. Nori had a good singing voice those rare times he could be coaxed to sing, and started a familiar song. Almost everyone joined in.

Thorin was laying with his head pillowed on Dori's belly, both of them laughing as she teased at his nose with a long blade of grass. "There are no obstacles," Thorin said. "Nothing can possibly stand in our way now."

That sounded right to Fili. How could anything possibly stop them when they'd come so far? The entire world was spread out at their feet like a spiderweb glittering with dew.

Thorin might have said more but then Dori poked his cheek with the blade of grass again and he bit it with a mock growl. Dori put her own end between her teeth and they had a brief tug-of-war before it broke and they were both spitting out grass pieces and laughing.

The Company talked and laughed and played a few simple games, all of them in good spirits. They talked with each other about beauty and dreams and hope.

Thorin took to pacing, eventually, filled to the brim with excess energy. "We have the stars," he said, gesturing to the wide expanse of glittering sky. "We have the stars, but where is the moon?"

Now that he pointed it out, there _ought_ to be a moon in the sky. It wasn't so far past full, it ought to be up by now. Fili was not the only one making sounds of regret at its absence.

"It'll be behind that hill, no doubt," Dwalin said.

"We must find it!" Thorin declared. "Who will come with me in search of the moon?"

A night hike definitely sounded like fun, and soon everyone was packing up to join Thorin. They didn't need much for a short hike, but Fili got a water bottle and Ori got a blanket in case the night got suddenly cold, and then they were off.

Fili held Kili's hand to make sure they didn't get separated, and everyone followed Thorin through the trees as they searched for the moon. They found it soon enough, but there were trees in the way so they kept going to find a place they could see it from.

"Count off!" Dwalin called out, to make sure they weren't losing anyone.

"One!" Thorin answered at the head of the line.

"Two!" Fili dutifully called out her number.

"Bananas!" Kili said instead of her number, and collapsed in giggles against Fili's side. After that no one said a number. Gloin was hotrod engines. Bombur was cabbages. Dori was knitting needles. Nori was butts exclaimed triumphantly, with a loud smacking sound and a grunt from Dwalin indicating that he'd probably smacked Dwalin's. There was a moment of concern when Bofur wasn't there to call anything out, but then they remembered he was off with Bilbo. They were all still together and having fun, and they continued on in their search for the moon.

Fili was just considering that the moon had probably risen high enough they could have seen it from their campsite when they found an open meadow. The moon shone down, and fireflies flickered in points of light. There was a signpost with a big sign just inside the field.

"What is this?" Thorin asked, peering at it. He turned to Nori, who happened to be closest. "What does it say?"

Nori blinked at the sign, opening his eyes wide and swaying toward it for a long moment. "Fuck if I know," he finally decided, shrugging and walking away to join Dwalin.

Kili was running around the field trying to catch fireflies, and Fili kept and eye on her as she joined Ori on the blanket. Bombur had thoughtfully brought one of the little jars of honey from Beorn's, and it was tasty to share even if all they had to eat it off of was their fingers.

The moon was beautiful, silver and shining above them all. It caught in Balin and Dori and Oin's hair, so they were as bright as moon spirits themselves, and they smiled when Fili told them so. The Company all roamed the meadow, just enjoying the beautiful night, and the beautiful moon, and the bright sparks of soaring fireflies.

Bifur was the first to catch sight of lights surrounding them, bobbing quickly through the trees. He barked out a sharp Khuzdul warning.

"To me!" Thorin called out, and everyone was up. They clustered together for safety and to guard each other's backs.

All except for Kili. She was far away on the other side of the field and she did not come running back toward them. She walked right into the lights with a wondering smile on her face, her hands reaching out toward a tall person holding a flashlight. Fili pushed past Thorin's warning hand, running to join Kili. She should never have let Kili get so far away!

"You walk in starlight," Kili breathed, reaching out toward a tall person holding a flashlight. Even as they began to shout at the Company to get off the grass. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> many thanks to werpiper for consultations
> 
> For what Bilbo and Bofur are up to during all this - check out the fourth and final side story!
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/4866944/chapters/11654896


	9. Dungeons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mirkwood continues, and Tauriel gets to know Kili

Tauriel rubbed her forehead, fighting a headache, as she tried to book twelve uncooperative people. This was not the kind of stuff she'd become a park ranger for. Being up half the night to protect the endangered Mirkwood spiders in their vulnerable breeding period was one thing – dealing with belligerent public was entirely another.

Tauriel had dealt with the apparent leader of the group's 'these are public lands and we're public you can't tell us what to do', along with the less common 'my people were on this land before yours discovered soap and the spiders did _just fine_.' Tauriel would rather not have hauled them all in, but rules were rules. The group was noncooperative, and Tauriel had a feeling they were not, in fact, drunk. Not that they were admitting to anything. In fact, they were refusing to give their names or their reason for being in the park other than that they were passing through and camping on public lands was legal.

Some of them might have cooperated, the buff bald one in particular looked painfully embarrassed whenever someone was rude, but they were taking their cues from their leader and none of them would contradict him.

Except for the cute little brunette who seemed to have imprinted on Tauriel like a lost duckling, of course. She chastised them all and told them to be nice to Tauriel, but it didn't help. It seemed to make the leader even grumpier. Especially when, after the third time Tauriel was swiping a stray lock out of her face, the brunette volunteered herself to braid Tauriel's hair back. At that point Tauriel was fed up enough with all of them that she let her do it. The girl's hands were warm and gentle, and she hummed a tune under her breath as she braided.

In the end the group were all herded into the few cells to be held at least overnight. Several of them clung together in groups. One group of women clung so tight to the silver-haired one in their center they'd have to be broken to be broken apart, and that was fine. They didn't really have the cells to keep everyone separate.

Of course, as soon as one of those who got a separate cell noticed that he was going to be alone he tried to push out to go join someone else.

"Wait, no," he said, shoving back at the ranger. "No, I wanted to go with Dwalin!"

"We're not a hotel," the ranger replied, and the cell was closed.

"Dwalin!" the slender man wailed. "Dwaliiiiiiin!"

"You're alright," the buff bald one, Dwalin probably, soothed from another cell. "We're going to be alright."

Tauriel shook her head and left them all calling back and forth to each other, returning to the front where she'd left cute brunette patiently waiting in a chair. She smiled at Tauriel like the sun was rising. Tauriel sat across the desk from her and took a deep breath. She didn't want to be dealing with this.

"You are an elvish princess," the brunette told her worshipfully, and Tauriel couldn't help her smile at that ridiculousness.

"Do you have a name?" Tauriel asked.

"Kili," she answered. Kili's hand was very warm when she reached across the desk to hold Tauriel's.

"Do you have an ID on you, Kili?" Tauriel asked.

Kili shrugged. "I might have anything on me," she said, laying her head on the desk and gazing adoringly up at Tauriel. It was far too endearing to be looked at that way, even if Kili's pupils were blown wide – clearly high on something.

"Well why don't you check your pockets then?" Tauriel suggested, giving Kili's hand a squeeze in encouragement. Kili nodded and began emptying her pockets. Kili had a small pocket knife, a few candy wrappers, several elastic bands for hair, and finally a wallet. She produced it triumphantly, as though she was even more surprised than Tauriel that she had it. Her ID was fished out of it and placed carefully in front of Tauriel.

Tauriel hardly had time pick up a pen and read Kili's full name and birthday – just nineteen, a baby still – before it was snatched back.

"You can't write it down!" Kili protested. Tauriel groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose as Kili put all her pocket stuff away. Of course even the most compliant of the group wasn't going to cooperate. What did it matter, anyway, if they didn't have info on one out of the entire group? This was already such a mess.

"Fine. To the cells." Tauriel stood, and Kili took her hand, apparently perfectly content to be lead away.

Most of the group had calmed down and seemed to be trying to sleep, though the one calling for Dwalin was still doing so. Tauriel locked Kili in with the blonde she had gathered was Kili's sister. Kili immediately reached through the bars to hold Tauriel's hand again.

"Will you stay with me, princess Tauriel?" she asked.

"I'm not a princess," Tauriel corrected.

"In another world you would be," Kili defended.

"Princess wouldn't suit me at all." Tauriel shook her head with a laugh, trying to free her hand.

"A warrior then," Kili persisted. "An elvish warrior of the highest skill. Captain of the guard, defending your borders from the evil spiders encroaching."

"The spiders are the ones I'm trying to protect," Tauriel reminded. "...though, I'm not bad with a bow and arrow..."

Kili gasped, eyes going wide. "You're an archer too?" she squealed, squeezing Tauriel's hand. "Me too me too! I was top of the archery team in Ered Luin _and_ I got a scholarship for winning competitions! What's your favorite type of bow? My best is a horse bow. It's short but strong, just like me!" She let go of Tauriel's hand and flexed to show off her sturdy biceps. "I've caught a deer for our family every fall for five years running!"

"That's impressive," Tauriel admitted. "I like a Scythian recurve. Mostly just for trick shots."

"Of course," Kili nodded. "An elvish warrior should be able to shoot better and faster than anyone."

Tauriel had her hand back. She could have gone back to the front and left the entire grumpy group to their own devices, but she didn't. Tauriel found herself sitting against the bars on the other side from Kili, holding hands through the bars again as Kili spun her a tale of magic and bravery, where they two fought against overwhelming odds together. Tauriel shouldn't be letting herself get caught up in Kili's story, but it wasn't as thought she had anything better to do. The rest of the rangers were out making sure the spiders were undisturbed, while Tauriel was stuck back here babysitting.

Kili was awfully cute, too. Tauriel quickly shoved that thought away, looking away from Kili's soulful dark brown eyes and infectious smile. Kili was hardly more than a baby compared to her. Tauriel could have been Kili's _mother_ , if she'd had any desire to have kids.

The cells were quiet. _Too_ quiet. The one who'd been incessantly calling for Dwalin was suddenly completely silent.

"Hold that thought," Tauriel told Kili, quickly standing up to walk down and check on everyone. People were sleeping, or quietly talking together, and Tauriel was light enough on her feet she was unheard when she reached the cell in question.

"Really?" Tauriel sighed, grabbing the man's glove-clad hand to pry away what he had in his fingers. "Picking the lock with bobby pins?"

He jerked his hands away from her, narrow face alive with fury, and cursed at her so viciously Tauriel took a step back in shock.

" _Language_ , Nori!" one of the others chided him sharply, and he snapped his mouth shut.

"I need to be with Dwalin, if I'm going to be in here," Nori snarled.

"Just put them together already," someone opined from another cell, "then we can all get some sleep!"

"You really think putting those two in the same cell is going to stop Nori from crying Dwalin's name?" someone else joked, to chuckles from a few others.

"Yeah well at least I'd be having a good time!" Nori shouted back. He turned sharply away from the bars, pacing back and forth.

Tauriel let him be and headed back toward the front.

"Please." The quiet word stopped Tauriel in her tracks. The bald buff one, most likely to be Dwalin, bowed his head on the other side of the bars with a heavy sigh before he looked up at Tauriel. "I'm Dwalin. I'm a ranger at the little state forest in Ered Luin. I'll give you my ID or whatever you need. But please, he's my husband. Don't make him go through this alone."

Tauriel shouldn't do it. She shouldn't be opening up cells at all, especially not on her own with no one else around as backup. Maybe he was just a very good actor, but she could see how much it had cost Dwalin to ask.

"I'd better not regret this," she sighed, taking her keys out. Dwalin walked quietly beside her to Nori's cell, and quickly stepped in front of her to catch Nori when it seemed like he was going to make a run for it.

Tauriel locked the cell closed behind Dwalin as Nori collapsed in his arms.

"You're alright, you're alright," Dwalin murmured, rocking him gently back and forth. "I've got you, love." Nori's shoulders shook like he was crying as he clung to Dwalin, tiny whimpers and sniffles hidden against Dwalin's chest. Tauriel shook her head and left them to their own devices.

Kili was waiting, still awake and smiling.

"So... what's next for Tauriel of the Woodland Realm and Brave Kili of Erebor?" Tauriel asked.

"The feast of starlight," Kili told her. "It lasts all night, with feast and song beneath the most brilliant stars with the autumn leaves almost as vivid as your hair."

"Mm, I have always loved the stars," Tauriel admitted. It didn't hurt anyone for her to sit and talk to Kili for the hours until the shift changed and she could go home to sleep and leave this entire mess to someone else.

 

The entire office was in a shambles when Tauriel came back in after not nearly enough sleep. There was a garishly painted old bus parked out front, and a very small, very round, and very angry man giving hell to the poor ranger out front as Tauriel walked past with her morning tea.

"As I told you Mr. Baggins, the area was clearly marked with multiple signs. They were disturbing the native grasses where-"

"Walking on the grass? Really? That's the best charge you can come up with?" Mr. Baggins shook his head grimly. "But no, they haven't _actually_ been charged with anything. I've checked. You've locked them up without cause, and without a crime. They're walking free in the next five minutes or I will be unleashing legal hell upon this park your grandchildren will still be wading through!"

Thranduil had barricaded himself in his office, on his phone, but he grabbed Tauriel and dragged her in with him as soon as he spotted her.

"Get rid of them," he ordered, his tone bored but his eyes just slightly wild. "Make them disappear before they destroy the park. Say they were drunk and unruly and we held them for their own safety or something." The phone began ringing again, and he stared at it like it was a venomous snake about to attack. His lip curled with disgust. "Make up whatever story you need just _get them out_."

Well. That made things simple. Tauriel nodded and took her keys back to the cells. The prisoners looked tired and a bit rumpled, but no more worse for the wear than she felt.

"Your ride's here," Tauriel said simply as she unlocked the cells to let them out. Kili was much quieter than she'd been the night before, glancing up at Tauriel before turning red and looking back down at her boots.

"Ready to continue your quest, Brave Kili of Erebor?" Tauriel asked. Kili had told her some of what their company was doing, though couched in fantasy language.

Kili groaned, covering her face with her hands as she turned an even deeper red. "I'm _so sorry_ Tauriel," she groaned. "I get really chatty and silly when I'm... you know..." she waved her hands vaguely. When she was high on whatever the company had been having. "I swear I'm not normally such a huge nerd around beautiful women."

"Yeah right," the blonde sister muttered.

"Oh my god _shut up_ Fili!" Kili wailed, as Tauriel tried to get her mind around the fact that she was apparently the beautiful woman Kili was embarrassed about being a nerd in front of. "I'm sorry, Tauriel. I'll go bury myself in a hole for a thousand years now."

Tauriel ignored how the one in charge of the group was glaring at her, and several others were smirking, and brushed the hair out of Kili's face.

"I had fun," she said, quietly. "I'm kind of a nerd too."

Kili looked up at Tauriel, and her face opened up in that same breathtaking grin, eyes shining.

"Let's go," the leader of the group ordered before they could say anything else. "We have wasted enough time here." The company were all gathered together and shooed toward the doors.

"Come with us, see the quest through," Kili begged, giving Tauriel's hand one last squeeze. "I'm sure we could find room on the bus for you!"

Tauriel shook her head with a laugh, and the group of them stomped out the front door and were gone.

Thranduil hung up his phone and finally emerged from his office.

"They're gone?" he asked.

"Just about, looks like," Tauriel said, watching them swarm around their bus. "I'll be glad to see them gone, but they weren't all bad. The cute brunette invited me go with them." Tauriel shook her head. Being crammed into a bus with _all of them_ wasn't at all her idea of a good time.

"I just received a call from a representative of Smaug, offering a hefty bribe to hold them for two weeks." Thranduil's tone was bored, but his eyes were very hard and bright when they met Tauriel's. "Go with them. Make sure they reach their destination."

"Sir, please..." Tauriel started, but she already knew Thranduil never changed his mind once he'd decided on something. Especially if it was to spite a slash-and-burn industrialist. She sighed. "Fine. But I'm being paid time-and-a-half, and taking my own truck. And you're reimbursing me for gas and food."

"It will happen," Thranduil promised with a dismissive wave of his hand. Tauriel sighed and drained the last of her tea before heading back out to the parking lot. Mr. Baggins seemed to have switched the target of his ire to the leader of the group, and was now haranguing him.

"...no idea if you were alive or dead. Do you have any idea how hard it was to track you down? And when we finally did, we had to repair the bus and break your entire camp down _by ourselves_ , and then get the bus over here. Bofur – who may I remind you _doesn't have a license for it_ – had to drive..."

Tauriel was just as glad she wasn't the target of that. "Looks like I'm seeing this through after all!" Tauriel called out to Kili on her way past. "I'll be following."

Kili's grin in answer was almost worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am indebted to this post about everyone in the hobbit's bows:
> 
> http://hsavinien.tumblr.com/post/106425358375/philliptunalunatique-this-isnt-a-fucking


	10. Stargazing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili is an excellent sister and Kili remains a dork

The rain pattered down over the bus and on Kili and Fili's heads. They had decent rain jackets, but it was still cold and miserable out. Kili sighed, and Fili shifted restlessly at her side.

The rest of the Company were cozy in the bus, and Kili wished she were too. It wasn't fair, getting put on watch duty on a night like this. Kili was more than half sure she'd gotten watch duty just because Uncle Thorin was grumpy about her making friends with Tauriel.

And speaking of Tauriel, here she was, elegant even in an oversized rain poncho and rubber boots with a handful of greenery as she strode back to the little truck that had followed the bus all day. Tauriel smiled at the rain and the trees, face turned up to the weather. She startled slightly when Kili waved.

"What are you two doing out here?" Tauriel asked.

"We're on watch," Fili answered glumly.

"On watch? For what?" Tauriel laughed, looking around at the near-empty campground.

"Smaug's people," Kili said. "They attacked us and stole our biodiesel in the Misty Mountains."

"We can't risk being caught off guard again," Fili agreed. It was miserable out, but _someone_ did have to be on watch.

"Oh..." Tauriel was taken aback. She glanced from her truck to the bus and back. "How about I turn my truck around and you can keep an eye on the bus from in the bed?"

"I don't think Thorin would..." Fili started.

" _Yes thanks we would love to_!" Kili talked over Fili, elbowing her in the side to get her to grab a hint already. If the choice was between standing out in the rain and being comfortable, there wasn't really a choice. Even if it wasn't also a chance to spend more time with Tauriel.

Tauriel smiled at them and started her truck up to turn it around. Kili was more than eager to join Tauriel when she opened up the shell on the back, and it was more wonderful than she'd imagined. Tauriel flipped on a little switch, and the back was lit up with a string of holiday lights strung around the inside. There was a mattress and blankets and everything needed to have a very comfortable camping set up. It took some maneuvering for Kili and Fili to get out of their wet raincoats and boots so they didn't track mud and water into Tauriel's truck. It was cozy inside, and small enough Kili was sitting right up against Tauriel. And her heart was most definitely not beating crazy-fast because of that.

"I was going to make some tea," Tauriel said, pouring some water into an electric kettle, "Would you like some?"

"Yes please," Kili said, and Fili nodded her agreement as she moved to keep a better eye out the back toward the bus.

"I found nettle leaf, raspberry, and a touch of wild mint. Not bad for searching around in the dark!" Tauriel said, putting the greenery she'd gathered into a teapot and searching around for a set of little teacups while the water boiled.

The tea was fresh and tasty especially with a little honey mixed in, and perfect for getting warmed up.

"So, what were these spiders we were accidentally disturbing last night?" Kili asked. She'd done almost all of the talking last night, and she really was curious about Tauriel and her work. Tauriel's face lit up as she talked, describing the life and habits of the small but growing population of endangered Mirkwood spiders. What their presence meant for the health of the forest's ecosystems.

"I'm sorry we got into them," Kili apologized. "We didn't know." Now she felt like a butt for having disturbed them.

Tauriel leaned over to bump her shoulder against Kili's. "It's hard to read signs in the dark," she said. "I doubt you did any lasting harm."

Kili leaned back against Tauriel's shoulder, feeling very warm. Fili, bless her for being the best sister ever, glanced between them and then out toward the bus.

"You two can handle the watch, can't you?" Fili asked. "I'm going back to the bus. Thanks for the tea." She placed her empty teacup aside and was gone with her raincoat and boots in an instant.

Kili smiled at Tauriel, who had a small smile playing on her own lips. Kili let her hand inch over until it covered Tauriel's, holding on to it.

"I really like you," Kili said, and it wasn't smooth and cool at all once it was out of her mouth. Tauriel turned her hand so her fingers were intertwined with Kili's, giving a little squeeze.

"You're awfully cute," Tauriel said, and Kili could feel her face heating with a blush. "But we've only just met, and Kili... I'm forty three years old."

"We can get to know each other!" Kili protested, squeezing back on Tauriel's hand. "We already are! When's your birthday? What's your sign? I'm a spring baby, an Aries! Fili's a Taurus, just after me even though she's older. That was really confusing when I was little." Kili was babbling some, but Tauriel just laughed, a brief surprised breath with her bright green eyes sparkling down on Kili.

"Horoscopes are bunk," Tauriel said.

"Yeah I know," Kili said, "but it's still fun to know."

Tauriel shook her head. "Sagittarius," she admitted.

"The archer and healer." Kili nodded. It suited Tauriel. "...I wish it wasn't rainy, or we could do some real stargazing. But I guess we are on watch anyway."

"Mm," Tauriel agreed, glancing along with Kili back toward the undisturbed bus. There was light in there still, muffled voices coming from it. That was Kili's family and she loved them all, but it was kind of nice to have some time without them too. Especially if it was time with Tauriel.

"Here," Tauriel said, "lay down, there's something I want to show you."

Kili complied easily, heart pounding in her throat as Tauriel pulled her down to lay side by side on the mattress. Tauriel smiled at her, and switched the lights off.

There were stars, a vivid glowing nebula hanging above their heads. Kili gasped, nearly sure for an instant that she was on mushrooms again, it was so beautiful.

"That's..." Kili breathed, reaching up to brush her fingers across the painted points of light.

"Glow-in-the dark paint," Tauriel whispered beside Kili. "I copied it from an astronomy picture of the day, so I could see the stars even when I'm camping in the truck.

"That's brilliant," Kili whispered back. "I love it. Why are we whispering?"

"Because we can't see the bus from lying down," Tauriel answered. "But if we're very quiet we can keep watch with our ears instead."

"You're so smart," Kili whispered, and Tauriel laughed softly beside her. One of Tauriel's hands found its way back into Kili's as she pointed out which stars were which on the ceiling with the other. And if they were very close together, cuddled up beneath the painted stars, that was just because they had to whisper so very quietly to stay on watch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the first scene the chat discussed re: the Roadtrip AU. I am very indebted to werpiper, Hattie, and Sparkle for all their headcanoning that lead eventually to this fic.
> 
> Now with art by the ever-lovely Hattie!  
> http://hattedhedgehog.tumblr.com/post/131615007212/here-tauriel-said-lay-down-theres-something


	11. Gimli and the Briefcase - reprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gimli catches up

Gimli leaned on the horn when he finally caught up with the bus. You really did have to lean on the horn or Arod wouldn’t honk, but once she knew you were serious she had _volume_. Her engine strained as he pushed for all the speed she could give him, letting him pull up beside the bus.

The bus was behind schedule, or Gimli would never have caught up. He caught them on the highway, just leaving their camp spot on the far side of Mirkwood.

Gloin was driving, and he gave Gimli a wide eyed double-take, realizing it was really him, before he started shouting. Oh, he was angry. Gloin had his finger pointed out the window at him, and Gimli could tell when he was getting told off even if he couldn’t hear a word his da was yelling. Gloin gestured him viciously toward the side of the road as he turned the bus’ blinker on to pull off himself, and Gimli was more than glad to stop. Arod was shaking and coughing again. She needed a cooldown and some adjustments before she fell apart entirely.

A good half of the Company was crowded into the front of the bus to stare at Gimli by the time they pulled over. Gloin was the first out, his face gone red with anger.

“Gimli!” Gloin shouted, marching on the truck. “What in Mahal’s sainted name do you think you’re doing!?”

“Bringing you your proof!” Gimli shouted back as he climbed out of the truck with the precious briefcase.

“We _have_ our proof in the bus!” Gloin gestured viciously at the bus, at all the Company climbing out behind him to stare. Thorin and Aunti Balin and Uncle Dwalin looked angry. Bofur and Nori looked like they were trying not to laugh.

“You took my homework!” Gimli snapped the briefcase open, shoving it at his da with the papers right there for everyone to see. “ _This_ is your proof!”

There was a silence then. Thorin blanched and stumbled back against the bus, breath leaving him in a broken whoosh. Dori gripped his shoulder to offer comfort, other hand across her mouth. Everyone looked grim at the sudden realization – not even Bofur was laughing. The small man beside him who must be Bilbo the attorney covered his face with a hand and a murmur of ‘for fuck’s sake’.

“Oh,” Gloin said quietly, all the bluster leaving him as he stepped forward to take the precious briefcase from Gimli’s hands.

A little truck pulled over ahead of Arod, and a tall red-haired lady and for some reason Kili stepped out of it.

“What are you doing here, Gimli?” Kili asked as she bounced over, eyes bright.

“We didn’t have the briefcase,” Gloin said, still a bit dazed. “He drove all this way to bring it to us…” Gloin’s brow clouded, the horrified shock of the realization leaving him and the volume of his voice rising again. “Which he absolutely should not have done! What possessed you, child?”

“I tried to call, it wasn’t my first plan!” Gimli defended. “You left your phone at home!”

“Then what the hell is this in my pocket!” Gloin asked, pulling a phone of the same model out.

“I don’t know, ma’s old broken phone probably?” Gimli threw up his hands in defeat. “Your phone rang in the bedroom when I called it!” Thorin had gotten over the shock too, and stepped up with his mouth opening. “And I tried to call you too,” Gimli told him. “You never answered!”

Thorin’s brow clouded, and he pulled his phone out of his pocket. His scowl deepened as he poked at it. “Dead? Why didn’t it beep at me? Damn thing’s always beeping, should have known something was wrong when it went quiet…” He turned toward the bus, mumbling something about being sure he’d remembered the charger.

“Dwalin changed his number, and Oin’s just goes right to voicemail,” Gimli finished his defense. After how far he’d driven to deliver their crucial evidence, you’d think they’d be more grateful.

“My phone hasn’t rung even once!” Ommer Oin said, taking zer phone out too.

Gimli sighed and held out his hand, and Oin handed it over. The problem was obvious immediately. “You’ve set it to airplane mode.”

“Well, we’re traveling cross country.” Oin defended.

“That’s… That’s not what that’s for.” Gimli considered trying to explain, but then gave up and just handed the phone back. “I tried,” he told his da. He really had tried.

“You should have called Dis and let the adults take care of this,” Gloin grumped, but his lips twitched on the edges with a smile, his eyes softening with it. “Ah, you’re my son clear through.” He reached out to Gimli, and Gimli let himself be pulled in to a strong hug. “Little stone-headed fool,” Gloin murmured to him, rocking back and forth slightly. “Too independent by far, the both of us.”

“He did leave me a message,” Thorin was listening on Nori’s phone with Nori hovering close. Nori must have let him use it to call his voicemail. Or, considering how Thorin felt about phone technology, Nori had probably dialed up Thorin’s voicemail himself and handed the phone over. Thorin hung up and gave the phone back to Nori. “The question is, what do we do with him now?”

“I’m not really comfortable sending him back to Ered Luin on his own,” Gloin said, setting Gimli free.

“I don’t know if Arod would make it back, anyway,” Gimli said. “And I’m all out of gas money too.”

“The old clunker shouldn’t have made it a quarter this far,” Gloin admitted. “She was on her last legs when you were _born_.”

“She gave me all she had,” Gimli patted the trusty old truck’s hood, heart breaking. “She wouldn’t let me down.”

“So Gimli will be joining us on the bus after all.” Thorin sighed, shaking his head. “What do we do with the truck?”

People bounced ideas back and forth. Tucking it back in the woods hoping it was safe until they were on their way back and trying to nurse it back to the farm was dismissed as too much time and effort for how little the truck was worth. Leaving it parked on the side of the road without any plates or id in it, to let whoever picked it up pick it up as Nori suggested, seemed like the easiest way. Even if it broke Gimli’s heart to think of abandoning Arod like that.

“Actually, I have a suggestion,” the tall redhead from the truck piped up, ignoring Thorin’s glower. “I have a friend nearby who collects vintage cars and trucks. He’ll give you a good price.”

“Call him,” Gimli said, before any more arguments could be made. Arod was _his_ truck after all. Being owned by some moldy old collector was a better fate for Arod than any of the others.

 

Gimli was giving Arod one last tuning. Filling up her coolant and oil, adjusting her belts and making sure she could run just a little further. He might also have been sobbing his eyes out over the guts of his truck, but thankfully everyone was giving him some space so they didn’t have to see him cry. Gimli carefully checked every last piece of the engine one last time. The cab had already been cleaned out, with Fili and Kili teasing Gimli about how much Blue-Mountain Dew he’d managed to drink on the way. All that was left was getting his payment and handing over the title. Then Arod would belong to someone else and he’d never see her again.

He’d firmly ignored Tauriel discussing 'a well-maintained and restored old Rohan warhorse’ and Gloin cheerfully haggling over the price. He hadn’t looked up from the engine to look at the person who was going to take Arod away, but he couldn’t pretend that Legolas didn’t exist forever. Gimli watched two final salt tears fall on the old engine block, then wiped his eyes on his sleeve and closed the hood as reverently as you could an old hood that needed to be slammed hard to stay shut. Gimli sniffled hard, swallowed the lump in his throat, and finally looked up at the man who’d been patiently waiting for him to be done.

Legolas was unfair, just completely unfair. He wasn’t old and moldy at all. He looked like an underwear model, except everyone knew even they didn’t actually look like that without photoshop. His hair was a long blonde sheet, his clothes carefully tailored to his long slender body. He practically dripped money, but his eyes were sympathetic rather than impatient. Gimli wiped his eyes on his sleeve again, suddenly painfully aware of how shabby he was in comparison. Especially with his eyes red and his nose running.

“Take care of old Arod for me,” Gimli said, nudging the truck with his hip. “She’s a good old girl. Her belts go out if you go over forty, and she’s got some leaks and the horn’s sticky, but… but she’s good.” Gimli folded the greasy paper towel in his hands to find a clean spot and blew his nose into it. “I’ve been working on her since I was this tall…” He tapped the spot on the bumper. Back when he needed his da’s help to get up and wasn’t able to do much more than hand the right tools over. “So you be good to her.”

“I can tell she has been loved,” Legolas said. He rested his hand on Gimli’s shoulder lightly; not a hearty grip like his family might, but still a comfort. It wasn’t fair that Legolas had to be nice as well as beautiful and rich. “I am honored to have her.”

“Right,” Gimli said. He couldn’t put it off forever. He took the title out of his breast pocket, and Legolas exchanged it for a stack of bills.

It was over, then. Arod was gone from him. Gimli sniffled hard again, blinking his swimming eyes clear. He pressed a kiss to his first two fingers and touched them to her hood, bidding her farewell. He turned away to go to the bus before he could start sobbing or try to take the title back.

“Here, Gimli,” Legolas stopped him with a light touch to his arm. He had something in his fingers, a card, which he placed in Gimli’s hand. “My doors are open for you. You can visit her whenever you want, and the rest of the cars too. It would be nice to be able to talk to someone else who loves the cars so much.”

“Thanks.” Gimli didn’t have any better words at the moment, nothing poetic to do the moment justice, but it seemed to be enough. Legolas left him with a breathtaking smile and a soft touch to his cheek that had all of Gimli’s blood rushing to his face.

They parted ways, Legolas into the towtruck he’d brought to take Arod away, and Gimli into the bus, but Gimli clung to the elegant business card and Legolas’ promise.

It wasn’t goodbye. Not forever.


	12. Esgaroth Historic Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Company very nearly reach their destination.

The Company was turned away at the gates when they reached what was meant to be their final campsite. Old Esgaroth Historic Park only had a few campsites, and no amenities, but the Company had booked theirs well in advance. They _had_ a camping spot there, that much Thorin was certain of.

"There is no camping," the girl running the entrance repeated, over and over. "There is no camping. I can't let you in. You have to leave."

Gloin had his confirmation number, his ID, everything the park could possibly have needed to know that they were the right people. It got them nothing. Not even Bilbo could talk sense into the girl at the entrance. The Company retreated, parking the bus nearby to stretch their legs and discuss their options.

"We can live out of the bus for a while longer, if we must," Dori said bravely. There were groans at this, but no outright mutiny. The bus was too small a space for so many, especially with Gimli now among them making the space even smaller. The Company would be at each other's throats within a day, with no outlet and no way to get away from each other.

"There must be another way," Thorin said. "Are there any other parks in the area? Anything we can afford?"

"I'm going to talk to her," Tauriel said, looking back toward the park. The gate and the nervous girl running it were still visible. "Maybe she'll say something to another ranger."

"Good plan." Thorin nodded to her. "Do that."

Only after it was out of his mouth did he remember that she was an uninvited hanger-on, not a part of the Company and of uncertain trustworthiness. Still, if she could help it would be good. Tauriel grabbed her work ID and hat and strode off toward the gate, and Thorin turned back to the Company.

"Bilbo, is there anything on your phone?" Thorin asked.

"Give me a moment," Bilbo said, raising and lowering his phone in the air. "The reception isn't good here."

"We need to find cover," Bifur grumbled in Khuzdul, though Bilbo was close enough to hear it. Bilbo didn't seem to give it any mind anyway, still poking at his phone.

"Aye, we're far too exposed here on the main road," Dwalin agreed. "We're sitting ducks for highway patrol or Smaug's people – if those are separate things."

"There are a few campgrounds," Bilbo said, finally. "The nearest is... oh, no, that's one's closed..." he trailed off muttering to himself as he continued poking at his phone.

"Don't bother," Tauriel said, the set of her chin grim as he stepped back into the circle of their group as though she belonged there. "It's Smaug. Mirkwood is in a position to defy him and let you go, but the little parks around here?" She shook her head. "There's not a park, campground, or piece of public lands within a hundred miles that would dare cross him. He threatened to 'accidentally' bulldoze this place to the bedrock if they took any campers the next few weeks."

Thorin tried not to groan aloud. Of course, Smaug would try any dirty trick he could to keep them from making their court date. Why wouldn't he stoop to this? Why bother with lawyers and the legal system if he could make sure they never arrived to challenge him at all?

"I did make sure you got a full refund," Tauriel handed Gloin a piece of paper. "I'm sorry, that's all I could do."

"There's got to be somewhere we can stay," Gloin said, shoving the paper into his pocket.

"What's to stop us from finding a bit of forest to camp in?" Gimli asked. "If nobody notices they can't stop us."

"If Smaug's this serious he'll have people looking out for us," Nori said, shifting nervously on his feet and eying the passing cars like each one could be a bomb. "We'll get locked up for vagrancy within a day. The bus isn't exactly low-vis. I'm not liking our chances." He fiddled with something up his sleeve, his collapsible blackjack probably, but calmed slightly when Dwalin put a hand on his shoulder.

Bilbo meanwhile was giving out numbers, which Balin and Dori were calling with their politest voices. Each answer was obviously negative. Thorin could see his own growing despair echoed in the faces of the Company around him. Ori was starting to get teary, wrapped up in a blanket huddled against the side of the bus.

There had to be a way, there had to be _some_ way. Thorin met Fili's eye and he could see his own frustration echoed there. She knew how important this was, she of all his family was following in his own footsteps to guide their lost people. They _needed_ Erebor, and on a whim and a threat from Smaug they were denied the chance to win it back.

There was a spark in Fili's eye, an idea igniting in her mind. She turned away from Thorin to go cuddle and comfort Ori, but nudged Kili with an elbow and whispered something to her on the way. Kili looked after Fili for a wide-eyed moment before she bolted into the bus. She returned with the phone she was under firm orders not to use in her hand.

"My friend Sigrid lives in Laketown!" Kili announced. "We competed in different divisions, but I've stayed with her for the eastern regional archery meet a couple times? Her da, Bard, does longbow. He'll let us park at his house, I'm sure of it."

Tauriel's jaw dropped. "You mean Bard the Bowman? _The_ Bard?"

"Well... yeah," Kili's grin turned shy.

Thorin fought the urge to roll his eyes at the two of them. "Who is this?" he asked, cutting to the important bits.

"The best longbowman on the continent," Tauriel gushed. "He practically revived the art of it himself!"

"He makes his bows by hand in his garage, it's _amazing_ , you have to see his setup." Kili seemed about to go off on a tangent about bows and archery, but she caught Thorin's eye and settled herself. "I think he does something with Unions for work? But he _hates_ Smaug and he's got space? I have Sigrid's number in my phone. I know I'm not supposed to use the phone for anything but emergencies, and I'm not supposed to call friends, but I think this is kind of an emergency and..."

"Kili," Thorin broke her off, resting a hand on her shoulder. "Please call Sigrid."

Kili threw him a brilliant smile and ducked out of the center of the group to make her call. Everyone tried not to watch her too closely to make her uncomfortable, but she was clearly the focus of everyone's attention.

Sigrid seemed to answer quickly, and she and Kili exchanged some high-pitched laughing and sharing of news. It probably wouldn't have been polite for Kili to open right up with the reason for her call. Thorin had been told more than once that his straightforward approach could be off-putting. Bofur was chewing on his nails, watching Kili from the corner of his eye. Thorin was not taken to chewing his nails, but he'd never felt more like he might begin to.

Dwalin was starting to make impatient growling noises in his throat when Kili managed to wind her way to the reason for her call.

"Hey, you remember that court thing I told you about?" She tugged on a lock of her hair, then grinned bigger as Sigrid's excited voice squeaked out of the phone. "I knooooow! I'm like half an hour from you, right now!" Kili laughed at Sigrid's answer. "Yeah! But only Smaug's threatened all the parks in like a hundred miles, so we've got nowhere to stay? Yeah it sucks, they're all closed! And we had reservations and everything! So I was wondering if you or your da knew anywhere... Yeah? You are the _best_ I love you so much!" Kili held the phone in front of her face and made smoochy noises into it before putting it back on her ear. "Mhm, just a sec, let me tell Uncle Thorin he's glaring at me like a grump."

Kili put her hand over the phone's microphone and grinned at everyone. "We're good! Sigrid says Bard will have agreed to let us stay by the time we get there. Follow the truck, I know the way!" She took off toward Tauriel's vehicle with a bemused Tauriel following in her wake. Thorin gestured everyone into the bus, glad to see the smiles back on everyone's faces.

"I should warn you there's a lot of us," Kili was still talking on the phone. "We're sixteen now, 'cause Gimli and Tauriel. Omygosh you're going to love Tauriel she's the best..."

Anything else Kili was saying was lost to Thorin as he started the bus back up. He could see her still chattering away on the phone as they started driving. He had a feeling he was going to have to restate the 'no phonecalls' rule once they reached their destination, but at least however much this phonecall was going to cost would be far less than the cost of being unable to make the court date.

Thorin shared a small smile with Fili, who'd come up to sit beside him. "Well done," he praised, quietly. He would not have thought of leveraging Kili's easily made friendships that way. Fili only nodded and sat beside him in companionable silence. The two of them did not need more than that.


	13. Laketown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At Bard's house, one more piece of the puzzle falls into place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for a character with ptsd being anxious and getting triggered

Nori didn't like it.

Not at all.

Bard's family knew what they were doing, he'd give them that. Nori'd eat his own braid if the Company were the first people they'd sheltered. Their small backyard was well concealed, and their tall board fence had a movable section to let them in. The bus was as inconspicuous as it was possible for a vehicle that size to get. Gloin could thread a needle with the thing, and had wedged it into a space tucked between the fence and some bushes. A few old tarps thrown over the top of it made it look like a long-standing feature, generic rather than its garish paintjob. The spring sleet-storm that had sprung up just as they entered Laketown would help them remain unnoticed – and Bard's family had been on lookout as they entered the neighborhood trying to spot any watchers.

Sheltering in Laketown was probably an unexpected move, but Nori still didn't like their chances. They were still far too visible for his tastes.

The smallest Bardling ran past with an armload of towels, and Nori accepted one to begin drying off. The sleet was good for concealing them, but it had made a miserable time of getting the tarps over the bus. He dried as well as he could and wrapped the towel around his shoulders as he kept his unofficial watch on the bus out a window.

Everyone else was relaxing. Bombur had commandeered the kitchen and was making fast friends with Mrs. the bowman – Nori hadn't caught her name yet. Kili was bouncing between Sigrid and Tauriel and introducing everyone to a bemused Bard. Kili managed to mention everyone's genders without singling anyone out as she introduced – well blessed with the gift of gab, that one. Nori did appreciate that, even if he wasn't so fond of having been introduced as Dwalin's dishonorable half.

It wasn't like he could deny it.

Nori kept a bit of his attention on the Company and the house, and the rest on the bus. He didn't like it. It had been too easy, and that's when Smaug liked to strike. If Nori had his druthers the Company wouldn't have come in a group. He didn't like the feeling of being a target like this, being so visible. Smaug was too big a fish, and all Nori's instincts were telling him to cut and run.

Jacking a vehicle and being a thousand miles away by the time the owner realized wasn't an option right now, though. Hell, Nori could even have _bought_ a car or bike with the ID numbers he'd memorized from Smaug's people's wallets. Meet the right kind of people in the right kind of places and Nori could get more than enough cash to weasel his way back home unnoticed.

Except he couldn't, because everyone who meant home was already here. They were already targets along with Nori, and that cognitive dissonance made Nori's head spin.

He'd put his gloves on absently with the thoughts. Nori had just enough self-awareness not so swear aloud in front of the Bardlings as he jerked the gloves back off and shoved them into his pocket. That was him in a nutshell, wasn't it? His hands prepped and ready to steal before his conscious mind made the call. Once upon a time he'd rolled with that – followed any whim that crossed his mind.

It hadn't done him any favors in the long run. He'd spent as long behind bars as he cared to, and he wasn't going back if he could help it. The math of self-preservation in those places wasn't something he liked. No. Nowadays Nori knew enough to be very careful. He knew to save the risk for when it was really important.

A heavy hand landed on Nori's shoulder, and his entire body froze.

The hand jerked away from his shoulder as fast as it had come. "Baby no," Dori crooned, stepping around in front of him – setting a tray of steaming mugs aside. She'd been bringing him tea, he could smell the bright scent of green tea and almond sharp as a knife in his focused awareness. "You're here. You're safe with me," she promised, holding her hands out toward his but not touching. Waiting for him.

It was that terrible fear behind the earnest softness in her eyes that pulled Nori out of it. She was _Dori_ , she cared about him and she was safe. She'd always been. Nori managed to gasp a breath into his frozen lungs, and then his entire body was shaking like he was going to fall apart. Dori bit her lip with a tiny whimper, but she waited until he reached for her before she wrapped him up in her arms to hold him.

How stupid was that? Nori was better than this. He'd been better than this for a very long time.

"There, there you go, breathe," Dori crooned. She rubbed up and down Nori's back, almost painfully soothing. Once upon a time he would have snapped and snarled and shoved her away to stew on his own – making it worse instead of better. He really was still better than _that,_ at least. He hid against her strength and softness and tried to make himself believe in safety. "All this is really getting to you, isn't it?" she said.

It wasn't really a question, but Nori still answered it. "I don't like being a target. Hunted."

"We're safe here," Dori promised, and Nori snorted a derisive laugh against her collarbone. "Come on, let's get you to Dwalin," she suggested, tugging on him.

"I'm keeping watch on the bus," Nori protested.

"Someone else can do that. We won't leave it unguarded," Dori said, and Nori allowed himself to be pulled up to his feet. Dori handed him a hot mug of tea, and Nori clung to it as Dori guided him through the house to Dwalin.

Dwalin didn't ask any questions, just held his arm out for Nori to snuggle underneath and took a mug of tea himself with thanks to Dori. At least Nori was often enough in physical contact with Dwalin that it wasn't weird for Dwalin to be holding him. A snark here, a quirked eyebrow there, a suggestive wiggle when he sat in Dwalin's lap, and Nori seemed like his normal dirty self.

By the time dinner was over, Nori was feeling more like himself too. The younger Company members went out with Sigrid and Bain and some of their friends to play night tag through the neighborhood – and do a covert sweep for Smaug spies. Tilda junior was put to bed, and the adults gathered around the table to plot.

Bard and Mrs. the bowman aka Tilda senior nodded along while Bilbo and Thorin explained the land suit and the ill-begotten trip to this point. Bilbo really did seem like he thought they could win, which was probably a good thing. He'd been surprisingly useful up to this point, at least. Nori was almost inclined to believe him. At the very least Nori could respect someone who habitually carried a concealed taser and knew how to use it.

Bard just shook his head when Bilbo was done. "I wish you the luck of it," he said heavily. "You won't be the first to win lands from under Smaug, if you really do. Not that it'll do you much good. It's the mineral rights he'll fight you for – and once he's done extracting those what's left is desolate. Not fit for a toxic dump."

"Well surely there would be protections," Bilbo started.

"We've seen it happen," Tilda broke him off, eyes sad. "The environmental violation fees are hardly a slap on the wrist to Smaug. He'll happily eat the cost to spite you."

"He has a history of clearly intentional destruction." Bard added. "We've tried to head it off with the union, but there's not much we can do other than protect those workers who dare defy him when he's delivering specific orders. He'll turn the Lonely Mountain into a pit mine before he lets you have it."

Nori hadn't really let himself believe that the Company and the lands suit had a chance, but even he felt a lead weight settle into his stomach at this final proof of the futility of Thorin's efforts. They'd never had a chance. All of this, for nothing. He felt Dwalin's body slumping against the back of the chair in despair, and cuddled closer to him to try to offer back some of the comfort Dwalin had given him. Gloin was blustering and Bofur was tugging on one of his mustache ends in thought. Thorin had gone cold and still like Dori beside him, and Nori could just see Balin trying to come up with a counter-argument to fix this.

"Do you have proof?" Bilbo asked, very sharp and intense. "I can try and head that effort off with the judge either way. I can keep Smaug tied up in legalities and demand a thorough vetting of his past practices before we negotiate for those rights, but if you have _proof_ I can be proactive. Kick out his support before he realizes he doesn't have a leg to stand on."

Bard and Tilda looked at each other for a long moment, long-time married couple communicating without words. Bard shrugged slightly, and Tilda patted his hand.

"Get the Black Arrow folder out, dear." Tilda suggested mildly. "I think it's time we shared it."


	14. The Courthouse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our tale reaches its conclusion

For all their rowdy ways, the Company cleaned up surprisingly well. Bilbo had expected to have to admonish them and maybe bar all but a few of them from the courtroom. Instead, they all showed up on time, freshly cleaned and well-dressed and somber. Dori was in full Ereborian regalia, looking every inch an old queen, and most of the Company had at least a touch of traditional flair here or there. Bifur had an entire mountain lion skin draped across his shoulders that Bilbo didn't doubt he'd hunted and tanned himself.

Thorin himself was dressed more conservatively in a suit that was clearly older, but perfectly tailored to him. He always managed to look commanding.

Put all together, the Company were an eloquent argument all on their own – better than any Bilbo had prepared in his folios. The people of Erebor were alive, and they were here to reclaim what was theirs. Bilbo'd grown fond of them, through this entire ridiculous trip with them. He would already have argued his best for them, but looking at them now Bilbo knew he couldn't lose. It was not an option, and he had in his hands the very best legal arguments he could possibly have.

Bilbo smiled and nodded to them all – even Gimli who wasn't really meant to be here, and Sigrid and Tauriel who'd tagged along to see how this played out. Bofur caught Bilbo's eye, nodding back to him with a proud little smile. They all believed in him, in his abilities as their attorney to argue their case.

" _Du Bekar_! To battle!" Thorin said, his eyes alight with pride and purpose.

Bilbo took a deep breath and turned to enter the courtroom with Thorin at his side and the entire Company behind them. Smaug and his besuited thugs were already in there, curling their lips with disdain at the people their best efforts had been unable to prevent reaching this place.

To Battle, indeed.

 

The Company erupted into wild cheering and laughter as they all tumbled out of the courthouse. Bilbo saw tears on more than one face – Oin and Dwalin and Bombur. The younger people gravitated into a clump, clinging to each other and jumping in their excitement. Bifur started a chant in the gravely language he sometimes spoke, and the whole Company joined in. It sounded like victory to Bilbo, something purely good, and he surreptitiously wiped a few tears from his own eyes.

What a battle it had been! It was not a case Bilbo would ever forget.

The part where Smaug realized he had lost both land and mineral rights and pushed past his own lawyer to shout threats and abuse at the Company and been thrown out for contempt of court would be his favorite memory – if not for the fact that he'd managed to spin that into a restraining order against Smaug and anyone who worked for him for the Company and any land owned by the Ereborians. What he wouldn't give to see Smaug's face when he learned about _that_!

Bilbo rocked on his feet, floating on his own pleased euphoria while he watched the Company celebrate. He squawked in surprise when he was hit from behind by Gimli and Ori and lifted up onto their shoulders. He flailed, very nearly losing his balance, but Fili's hand steadied his back. Thankfully they put him down after only one round around the Company.

"To Bilbo Baggins!" Thorin roared, and everyone cheered. Bilbo could feel his face going red.

"No, no please," he waved them off. "This is your victory. You won. I just organized a few arguments."

They cheered again at this, and thankfully left Bilbo alone to return to their own celebrations. They all swarmed back toward the bus, where Bard's son Bain and some of his friends were keeping watch to make sure it wasn't sabotaged while they were in court.

Bofur hung back behind the rest, hands shoved deep in his pockets as he sidled up beside Bilbo.

"So that's it?" Bofur asked, sad-hound eyes belying his smile. "You've argued the court case, and you'll be off home now?"

"Well, I don't know..." Bilbo mused, watching the rowdy family of the Company celebrating around the bus. "I do believe there was a return trip specified in my contract." He could see Bofur's surprise out of the corner of his eye, the faint sparkle of hope being born.

What the hell, why not? The return trip couldn't possibly be as bad as the trip out, with Smaug defeated. Bilbo held his hand out to Bofur. "There and back again?" he offered.

Bofur whooped as his strong hand closed around Bilbo's, and Bilbo was towed laughing into the group of the Company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIN
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed!  
> <3  
> TS


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